Some thoughts on being single in London

Recently, I’ve seen too many single friends get upset because they’re single. And it baffles and frustrates the crap out of me because they are fabulous and fun and clever and beautiful, all of them (and no, I’m not just saying that because they’re my friends). I also know some brilliant single guy friends who complain about never meeting the right woman. This comment on my post on the Free Decade summed up the panic you can feel when you’re single and it makes  me really sad to see people I love feeling like that.

It’s not just the fact of not having a partner or not having had a shag for a while, it is the effect it seems to have on self-esteem and confidence. It is easy to become cynical. I’m not single right now, but I was for a long time when I first moved to London. I ended up enjoying it, but I did go through a long period of miserable Saturday nights in; sitting on the single table at weddings next to a gay guy and the bride’s 15 year old cousin and getting far too drunk to cover the fact that I was gutted that my friend was getting married and I was so far behind; and getting irritated by and envious of my smug married friends. So I have been thinking a lot recently about my single friends who I adore, and I had some thoughts which I wanted to share. This is for you *raises wine glass*.

1. DO NOT PANIC. The man for you is at this very moment in shiny armour astride a white horse, scratching his head and saying “so where the fuck IS she then?!”.  Its just a case of meeting really.

2. YOU HAVE TIME. There are many inspirational 40-something women who are having their first babies now. The way I see it, as long as you don’t break the world record for the oldest mother alive (currentlyOmkari Panwar, age 70), then you should be OK. I’m being glib but life isn’t a 100 metre sprint, its about longevity, finding the right person for you.

3. YOU HAVE TO LOOK. Ladies, you will not find your ideal man at ballroom dancing class or pilates. Men, your ideal woman will not appear on your sofa while you’re watching Top Gear.

4. BUT IN THE RIGHT PLACES. Tiger Tiger, the Crazy Kangaroo and Infernos are inappropriate pulling venues in your thirties and above (although Lady B is an exception to this rule). I’m also cynical about singles nights as I hear again and again that there is a distinct lack of men (Ms Marmite Lover’s single Valentine’s night was a classic example and it was no surprise that Time Out advertised for more men on twitter the night before their recent singles event). So if I was a single bloke it would be a pretty good bet. But ladies, I’d spend your cash in the pub instead. It is also, in my humble opinion, utter bullshit that you will meet a man through starting a class or a course – I’ve done a few in London and they are pretty much all filled with women. Now I think about it men don’t actually do much do they? Which means that the ideal place to meet is the pub, no matter what age you are.

5. CONSIDER INTERNET DATING. In 1990, 40% of couples met their partner through their friends. Between 2007 and 2010, 17% of couples who married met through internet dating and 20% of couples were introduced through the internet (tis true – read here). Yes, it can feel unromantic and shallow in its selection process, but it’s efficient and I know more and more people who have met their partners this way. And I have to be honest and say I met The Chef on Guardian Soulmates (he was my first ever internet date) and I’m bloody glad I did – I’m not sure if our paths would have crossed otherwise. I’m still reconciling myself with the fact that we met there, and I do get embarrassed when people ask where we met, but I would definitely recommend trying it. My advice would be to arrange to meet up after a few emails – you won’t know what they are really like until you meet them and the image you are building up in your head may be wrong. Also, there is nothing more depressing than a terrible date and you will know how you feel about the other person in about 30 seconds, so arrange a quick coffee and say you have plans shortly after so you can make your escape easily if you need to. Sudden US conference calls that require your urgent attention can also be useful.

6. A BAD RELATIONSHIP IS WORSE THAN BEING ON YOUR OWN. Being in a “relationship” with someone who won’t commit, or treats you badly, or is married to someone else, or is only interested in sex, will not make you happy (if you are a woman at least). The great stuff about relationships – the trust and the love and the Sunday walks holding hands – are typically missing and it will bite into your self-esteem. I see it again and again with friends but it can be hard to walk away when it is a choice of having someone rather than no-one. I just think it is very rare that these relationships don’t end it tears. Remember how fabulous you are and walk away. Yes your Saturday nights might be lonely again and you may miss the sex, but you will soon be walking with your head held high again.

7. YOU’RE SINGLE, SO WHAT? Don’t let it affect your self-esteem or your confidence. You aren’t a failure – life is often won and lost through timing, being in the right place at the right time. Do all you can to boost your confidence. And it is dangerous to tie your self esteem too closely to finding a mate – the ideal is to be happy on your own, just happier when he or she is around.

8. THE ART OF THE PULL. If you are in a same-sex group of friends of more than 3 people, you are unlikely to start chatting to the opposite sex. And it is a great idea to go on the pull with your coupled-up friends – they are much more likely to walk up and chat to new people because they don’t really care what happens, although you may find yourself cringing at obvious match-making. Be open-minded and talk to people you might not fancy the pants off – attraction can develop…or they may have fit friends. And don’t be too cynical about the whole thing – yes it feels a little naff when you are a bit older but it can be a hell of a lot of fun too.

9. RELY ON YOUR FRIENDS. Often Londoners are so busy they won’t pick up on the fact that you always suggest Saturday night to meet, and are always told everyone has plans already. Saturday nights alone can be miserable, but if you don’t tell your friends how you feel, they won’t understand how important it is to invite you out. And don’t avoid your couple friends, they are still fun to hang out with…or they may have fit friends. Girls’ and boys’ nights out are brilliant – but remember the 3+ person pulling rule.

10. FORGET ABAAAHT IT. Don’t let your quest for a partner and your desire to get married take over your life. The grass isn’t always greener, there is more to life than just being in a couple. Think about your career, your friends, your holidays and concentrate on that for a bit. Take off the rose-tinted glasses – your married and coupled-up friends have the same sorts of problems that you have – life’s worries don’t fade away just because you’re shacked up.

11. ENJOY IT. Being single can be brilliant. You can do what the hell you like, you can be selfish. You can spend all your time socialising. Or sitting in your flat eating cheese and onion sandwiches and picking your toenails. You can snog random and/or inappropriate strangers. You pick where you go on holiday and how tidy or untidy your flat is. You can spend your money on ridiculous things, eat, drink and smoke what you like. Enjoy it while it lasts!

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129 responses to “Some thoughts on being single in London

  1. I have my moments where I think for once it would be nice to meet someone but I’m generally points number 7 and 11 and I totally agree with point number 6.

    Fantastic post

    Natasha De Vil

  2. What a great post! You tell it like it is woman, I just love that. It is so true that I get into a relationship and I (not speaking for anyone else here) begin to feel nostalgic about my free single days. It’s easy to feel lost and stay home on a Saturday night in London (I’m doing that right now) but forget how many uncomfortable feelings people in couples contend with on Saturday nights.
    Thanks for that, it was just something I needed to be reminded of tonight.

  3. Sensible, thoughtful post, BUT…I’m a single man and I hardly drink at all, and I hate going to pubs to drink water. Anyway, pub put downs are not very amusing when you’re sober. I don’t want to do a class or go to singles nights. Internet dating is rubbish cos there’s no chemistry gauge. So my only ideas are to go for walks and smile winningly in a come-hither manner at ladies in the street. And maybe volunteer in the Oxfam shop.

  4. Great post, it’s very easy to feel lonely when you’re in a big city and think everyone else is settled and or having a great time. It’s important to remember that many people who are in relationships might just as much want to be out of one as you might want to be in one. The grass is always greener and the key thing is to first and foremost be happy with yourself and not dependant on anyone else for self affirmation. Being in a relationship can be amazing but so can being totally free to make every single decision for yourself.

    I agree the Internet can work well if you are looking to meet people although I think dating sites encourage photo surfing and quite shallow filtering, I know I was guilty of this. I found Twitter worked better for me (i met my amazing partner on Twitter) because you can connect with folks who have shared interests in a casual way and see if any online chemistry happens.

    Connecting through shared interests is an old tried and tested technique for meeting people who you are likely to find fascinating and may naturally get on with and obviously this works online and offline. Like sailing? Join a sailing club and you’ll meet girls or boys who like sailing, brilliant and exciting!

    Keep reaching outside of your comfort zone and existing circle of friends and find lots of ways to meet and get to know new people. Your life will be all the better for it whether you partner up or not.

  5. Thoughtful post Sasha, all very true and practical. What I struggle with is remembering the logic of all this advice when I am sitting lonely on the couch on a Saturday night or enjoying the company of an Inappropriate Man.

  6. This and the ‘free decade’ post are great! Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that feels and thinks like this, but great to be reminded that sooo many people have that little panic or thoughts that do their head in – on the subject. I’m pretty happy with my life and where i’m at most of the time and don’t regret what i’ve done, don’t really think about the fact that i’m single and in my thirties too much, not until it’s in my face – every week someone is getting married or having a baby etc and posting it all over facebook – and I don’t actually want that myself right now because I haven’t met someone yet that makes me want to have that with them, but it’s that pressure that starts to sink in that makes me think – Maybe I missed the boat or maybe I should be doing that, why have my friends got assets, babies and husbands and I’ve just been pissing about travelling all over the place etc. But then I wouldn’t change all the great places I’ve been and things I’ve done for anything. But then it’s that tiny little part of your mind that questions yourself every now and then, because it’s not the norm and so on.

    And the pain in the arse comments that people make! – When you meet people and they say so have you got a boyfriend, and when you say no I don’t, they give you this head nod to the side and sympathetic look of – oh….. ok, i’m sure you’ll find someone. Or how come a pretty girl like you doesn’t have a boyfriend? – This drives me mental – because I don’t want one right now!!! And why do I have to have that.
    I went out for coffee with a bunch of mothers recently and they actually sat there and talked about how much your fertility drops each year from the moment you hit 30 – Hello !!!! am I invisible? It’s things like that that really do not help!
    All these little things is part and parcel of what I believe drive some to just take ‘the best thing that’s come along so far’ and make a go of that and that to me is sad because people shouldn’t settle – because just because you get older doesn’t mean your happiness matters less – it matters more. Similar to what was mentioned earlier it is better to be single than to be in an unhappy relationship.
    Ok hehe I better stop otherwise I’ll get too carried away. But in short – great post – thanks!

    • Hey Fran, my god no you are not the only one!

      Facebook is TERRIBLE for new mums advertising their fabulous domestic life. But remember it can be pretty miserable being a new mum, especially if you have given up work and are adjusting to a new identity. But it can be annoying. Just post some photos of your latest exciting backpacking adventure and bet they will be jealous too!

      I too travelled a lot and lived abroad when I was younger so when I moved to London, my friends had houses, boyfriends and money when I had none. I regretted it at times but now I don’t – I feel settled and happy and don’t have itchy feet any more. And I’m glad I had all those amazing adventures.

      Mums talking about how fertility is diminishing is WRONG and should be punished accordingly. Again though, maybe this is them trying to make themselves feel better about the fact that they are cleaning up baby sick while you are out having fun. They too may feel the grass is greener.

      Anyway sending out a big virtual hug and thanks for the comment! xxx

  7. Funny I’m totally writing a post that refers to this very subject in a bit of an indirect way! Linking to your post. Love it. So timely.

    On the subject of singles’ tables at weddings…worst thing this year was being stuck at the single GIRLS table. People, don’t do this to your friends. We made the most of it, but during and afterwards, the majority of guests at the wedding were questioning the bride’s motivations.

  8. I love this post! Thank you 🙂

    My problem is that I’m a nurturer! I love making other people happy. At the moment, I’m keeping a tidy and beautiful home, cooking home-made food every night and baking at the weekend and I’ve nobody to share it with! Of course, I love the fruits of my labour (especially the baking) but it would be really satisfying for me to do it all for someone else too.

    Plus, I was walking through Hampstead Heath on Saturday morning and there were blooming couples everywhere talking about their mutual friends and lives and holding hands and being cute. A constant reminder of how the other people live.

    You’re right when you say that the grass is always greener, though. I also love some aspects of my single life (like never having to argue when I want to watch The Hills or paint a room pink). Like Pippalipa, I’ll just have to remind myself of that next time I’m out walking!

    • Wow you sound like the perfect girlfriend 🙂 *swoons*

      I’m hopeless at cooking and I’ve never baked in my life, although I did buy a cake baking tin once. Christmas is a terrible time for cosy couples holding hands and eating Sunday lunch so just remember it may feel worse now.

      And remember you get to watch the Hills and NEVER have to watch Top Gear, or Countryfile or Match of the Day, or have a farting burping man spoil your perfect flat 🙂 x

  9. Oh thank goodness – some consolation that just because the rest of my amigos are going off and getting married to the men they’ve been with since uni, or totally loved up, the fact that I’ve just split up from the man I was (and still am) completely head over heels in love with for a year (as is he, but being divorced with two children, the facebook term ‘it’s complicated’ was never truer) does not have to be the end of the world.

    It is going to take a bit of healing – am still only three weeks’ rawness in – but as you say, I’m throwing myself into figuring out what makes me tick work-wise and starting up my business, getting out and about and exercising lots to keep healthy/happy (salsa and Virgin fun gyms, thank you) and seeing lots of friends, and making my little flat lovely. No boy to worry about in any way, and a period of rather blissful selfishness. Maybe when I’m ready I can take on board tips 3, 4 and 8. And attempt to steer clear of the Innapropriate Men time/space fillers. Am ashamed to say that I’m guilty of that already, as distraction. I figure a little bit of ego-boosting can’t go amiss, but in the long run it is probably not the way forward.

    A lovely, compassionate post – thank you! And happy hugs to you and The Chef 🙂 xx

    • oh thank you and a big hug back to you 🙂 It is devastating when relationships don’t work out but looks like you’re recovering in a really healthy way. I’m guilty of languishing in wine and fags when bad things happen so being healthy, setting up your business and making your flat lovely is really good for you. I spent last night re-arranging furniture and making my flat look lovely and it definitely makes you a lot better.

      And your comment really put a smile on my face this morning so thank you 🙂 xxx

  10. oh and I forgot to say, I loved this little comment: ‘Now I think about it men don’t actually do much do they?’ A hoot! I met the (now) ex-boyfriend in a pub, not really being much of a pub-goer myself, as I’m generally out and about doing stuff…..!!!

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  12. Thanks for the post. I get into bouts of panic, then talk myself out of it.. but feels good to hear someone tell you the very same thing.

    The difficulty I find with London is… where do people go to meet people? It feels like such a closed circle sometimes and after a while of trying, I just revert back to my comfortable circle of hanging out with friends than venturing out to meet strangers. Which brings us back to point #3…

  13. Hey – great post.
    I remember saying to a friend a few months ago (and, I might add, when I was in the pits of despair) that I was sick of people telling me that being single was GREAT. As I believe I pointed out at the time, if it was really that great then surely no-one would ever be in a relationship. Huh?
    It can be tough to be single and fast approaching 35. I wonder whether ‘it’ will ever happen for me. So here’s my tip: say ‘yes’ to everything, attend everything you’re invited to. At the very least it will give you the chance to do and experience things you might not have done otherwise. Who knows what it might do at the very best. It hasn’t delivered Mr Right yet, but I’m hopeful.
    By the way – you’re totally right that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship. That much I am sure of.

    • Hattie this is far more heartening to read that someone else felt pissed off with smug couples telling them how brilliant being single was – dump your bf-gf then if it’s so awesome . I do accept every invite. Sometimes really hard and totally putting a brave face on it but at least I try.

  14. What a fab post!!!!

  15. Hattie – you sound very cool. I have lots of friends in the same boat as you and know exactly about that uncertainty of where Mr Right is/when will you meet him/is there a Mr Right? I can’t answer those questions but I love your attitude and assume that you will – the worst thing to do is become bitter, cynical and closed. But I’m glad you don’t seem to have this problem 🙂

    Gemfish – thank you honey 😉 x

  16. Hi Sasha! Lovely post. I just split with my boyfriend of over three years. I have no doubt it was the right thing to do, but I have moments of panic that I’ve made a terrible mistake, and will look back on this decision in 5 years when I’m single and unmarried and regret it immensely. I just have to keep believing that there is someone else who is better suited to me out there…. Fingers crossed! xx

    • Oh Poppy. I did very similar last year and I know how hard it can be. But I also know that you are gorgeous and funny and fabulous and that there will be someone out there for you who can make you far happier than you ever thought possible. It happened to me 🙂 You just have to be brave and wait for it – but know one thing – you might have been happy if you’d stayed where you were, but you have the capacity to be infinitely more happy, and that you will be. Much love xx

  17. Hey Sasha,

    Thanks for this post. It is exactly how I feel at the moment, fast approaching 30, and never having had a boyfriend, I’ve been in this headspace for a while. I figure that being single shouldn’t mean that I should miss out on anything, so for years I have gone off to things on my own, indulged my hobbies, etc, but I am getting very fearful of never meeting anyone, particularly as it hasn’t happened up until now either. Tricky to really feel ok about it all, especially as most people are posting engagements/babies/other coupley stuff on facebook, and every dinner/party I am invited to is always with an odd number as I am the only singly!!!

    But your post makes me feel a little hopeful, and made me realise I maybe need to be a bit more pro-active too………thanks Sasha!

    • Hi there – you definitely aren’t the only one. I have a couple of (beautiful, smart, successful) friends who are in a similar position. I think the key is not to be cynical, or get stuck in your ways, but to get out there and make the most of it. I also t hink you should get internet dating – you may have to kiss a LOT of frogs but there might be a prince out there… x

  18. Wonderful post Sasha. The Top Gear / sofa line had me in stiches!

  19. Loved reading all the posts, its true the grass is not greener, I have friends who have “settled” and are making the most of what they have. I used to think thats what I should do too, but thankfully decided to be totally selfish and live my life, unfortunately I have not met Mr. Right for me, but I enjoy my own company, have some great friends (mostly couples) and I have a great social life, but I also love my own time / space. I think the secret is to relax and enjoy this short life and if someone special comes along, it will only enhance what you already have. I wish us all health and happiness.

  20. PS

    am attending my ex boyfriends wedding next week, am genuinely happy for them, he was not for me!!

  21. Hi – I agree – too much emphasis is put on being a couple – it’s really hard sometimes being the only single at a dinner party for example. Or not having a plus one invite to a wedding. I sometimes turn down things to go to because I don’t want to be the only single, AGAIN!!
    Anyway – listen, if anyone single reading this is interested I did start up my own very small introductions agency (partly in the hope of meeting someone myself – I haven’t yet). So if you fancy having a look – I really need men, I have got loads of single women to match up … Where are all the single men, by the way??!!!
    The site is http://www.ljintroductions.co.uk – but it’s all about meeting people rather than internet dating. Have a look. And if you have any advice or answers to my questions, please let me know!
    Thanks
    LJ

  22. This is a great post. Well done Sasha. Read it a while back and forgot to leave a reply. I’m a normal bloke and single (divorced with a 5yr old who lives abroad) and usually pretty good at getting myself out and about. What I’ve found is really difficult though is when all your really close friends are couples, and they invite you out for the evening, which is inevitably to a restaurant or something quite tame, and you are the only single person. At about 11pm they all start to slope of home together (because remember, couples don’t do crazy things, well not together, anyway), all loved up and happy, leaving you to wander home alone.
    I have actually started turning down invitations because of this!
    Good luck everyone!

  23. (sorry, posted but was logged into another wp blog and it got confused and didn’t take my name)

    This is a great post. Well done Sasha. Read it a while back and forgot to leave a reply. I’m a normal bloke and single (divorced with a 5yr old who lives abroad) and usually pretty good at getting myself out and about. What I’ve found is really difficult though is when all your really close friends are couples, and they invite you out for the evening, which is inevitably to a restaurant or something quite tame, and you are the only single person. At about 11pm they all start to slope of home together (because remember, couples don’t do crazy things, well not together, anyway), all loved up and happy, leaving you to wander home alone.
    I have actually started turning down invitations because of this!
    Good luck everyone!

    • Oh I’m sorry. That does suck. Also washing up on your own at the end of a dinner party when your couple friends have come round and left together. And New Year. Argh. I ask everyone this now but have you tried Guardian Soulmates? Lots of hottie dads on there with similar situations to you, lots of hottie women in their 30/40 even 50s too! Bon chance x

  24. @James – it’s good that your couple friends include you………..I’m recently separated and as a result have effectively “lost” all our couple friends as they were originally friends of my husband. That’s really sad for me as I miss the male company – I have great single, female friends but sometimes it would be nice to hang out with guys, or couples just to mix up the dynamic a bit.
    I know how you feel you – being newly single, I realise how couple centric our society is, and it can be heart rending to not be a part of that. Here’s hoping we have more luck in teh future!

  25. Great, sensible post. Oh no i’m that single gay man at the wedding table. In my experience beng a gay single man is very hard as most gay guys seem to want short term then off for their next sexual conquest. I dont have to worry about babies rtc but the issue of trust and monogomy is huge. Im sure thisis all a whole other kettle of fish.

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  27. Great post and awesome blog! I’m a single London gal and recently started my own blog about being single in London. I am surrounded by loads of gorgeous single women and keep meeting other gorgeous single women, which made me wonder why no dashing men had snapped them up so thought it would be interesting to start sharing dating experiences (or lack of) via a blog. Absolutely loved reading your post and think you hit the nail on the head with all your points. Well done and thanks for sharing!

  28. Great Blog Post! You should also remember that once you meet someone, you will regret any time that you spent moping around instead of enjoying the time you were single with your friends…so make the most of it! Sneaky plug: Dating Safaris in London is an excellent way to spend time with your girl/guy friends and meet new people at the same time! Perfect!

  29. Having been single for 10 years or more and just turned 40, I’ve given up on ever meeting anyone. Don’t think there is a knight in shining armour for me.

  30. Good post. It does seem to assume having a fair bit of money though. If you earn a good salary then you have all this freedom. I couldn’t remotely afford to rent a whole flat to myself so housemates are always a consideration. Nor can I afford to go off and do whatever I like.

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  32. “you can spend all your time socialising” err who with exactly? I’m single 36. All my friends are in couple so who exactly are these people that we can have fabulous social lives with and go on holiday with

    I appreciate this is supposed to be positive but it just makes me feel more miserable – I’d love to be out on a Saturday night but no one to go with – they are busy with partners and babies – I’ve asked!

    Internet dating is awful awful awful. Tried it and only had awful experiences.

    But Ill say it again as that point really frustrates me – what does one do when you have no available friends to go out with.

    You are right that joining clubs is not a winner as full of women. “Ladies you have to look” where? You mention the pub. What do you do if you have no one to go to the pub with cos they’re busy with coupled/family life – go alone. That looks weird surely and possibly like your there to pick up a man for the wrong reason.

    But I guess you can write all this as your aren’t single.

  33. The other things that gets me down about these posts are reading how others spent their amazing single lives travelling so that they hd r become enriched and full of life stories for when they do meet someone. But on a low paid job I’ve never had the option to travel
    Solo – which I imagine is Lonely anyway as the point of seeing a beautiful view is to see it with someone you love. If you’d been lucky enough to travel and build up a pot of Annecdotes you’re luckier than you know.

  34. Well, after feeling pretty down last night at reading how the seemingly easy tips for being happy whilst single seemed so hard, I thought I’d try to read it in the morning with a more positive light. As you can guess by three posts it is clearly a hot topic for me at the moment lol.

    But after having read it I still struggle with some of the points and wonder what you and others think because more or less I seem to be the only one here who is single and not loving it or taking positive inspiration from what I know (but can’t yet feel) is a positive post. I’ve been single for 5 years. I have hobbies (predominantly female ones but wwhat I enjoy doing) and do take up every invite I get. I swallow my pride and put on a brave face when attending things alone and have this year tried a couple of things I didnt really want to do so that I could tell myself I have gone outside my comfort zone and explored things I might like that are less female orientated. But alas no joy.

    points 1 & 2 – fair enough don’t panic and fertlility – well I’ve given up on the idea of kids now anyway at 36 it’s a bit old really although not impossible but at least I don’t have a baby making desperation driving me forward. I’d just like a man.

    Points 3, 4, 5, 9 & 11 – these get my goat because they’re kind of based on the premise of get out there with your friends and enjoy life but…

    a) I flippin do at every oppurtunity, but at my age my mates are shacked up and not interested in coming to the pub. I do ask – So I’m not complaining when I havent at leased tried over and over and over. So you say it’s really amazing to be single and you can socialise all the time – but who on earth with? Where are all these people to have an amazing social life with. Sleeping on it hasnt resolved that conundrum lol.

    b) the you won’t pull in a group of 3 rule probably true but pretty restrictive. Oppurtunites to go out are pretty few for me as it is so I’m not going to turn down the option of going out because there are more than 3 women in the group. I did have a single friend to go out with but she is now pregnant but even when she did – she would invariably pull (hence her situation now ha ha) and leave me to wander home alone from the pub/club. So I understand 3 is a good number as it leaves 2 to keep each other occupied whilst you pull but it’s quite a hard equation to pull off – as I said when options are few you can’t be choosy.

    d) people say you meet someone doing the things you really enjoy but what if what I really enjoy is predominantly female based, such as pilates. You are right that you don’t generally meet people at female based activities, but what the hec do you do if they are the only things you enjoy doing to fill all the time you have on your hands. That is my problem. I do have hobbies but they are super female based and I could pretend to do something I hate to meet guys but Surely you then only meet people that you don’t have a genuine connectio/share interest with.

    e) holidays – well who do you go with if you are single and your mates now do couples or family holidays. I did explore the cost of doing a singles holiday but they are so much more expensive than if you share costs plus – incredibly boring and lonely to see a beautiful place and have no one to share with.

    f) as someone else pointed out having a great time single does rather imply you have a bit of spare more for the single person supplment etc.Dating sites that are supposed to be half decent are bloody expensive.

    g) internet dating – so cold and clinical and shallow. All I had were sleazy blokes sending me messages addressed to “hun” and lots of kisses (err I don’t know you so don’t put kisses) telling me I had a beautiful smile and they liked my profile (which is code for I hope if I butter you up enought I will get to shag you). I decided that if I hadnt met anyone by 35 I’d give it a go so I couldnt say I had not. Well I gave it a go. The first guy stood me up. The second one was so unbelievably nervous that he didnt say a word when I asked him question – yes/no answers. The third one was clearly uninterested to be there and watched the flat screen TV over my shoulder as he was chatting. So after three attempts I decided it’s a hideous hideous way of trying to meet someone. One other guy who I struck up a conversation with at first seemed nice and had a profile made him look like a solid nice guy – well his facebook profile was the polar opposite – into all sorts and I mean all sorts. So that just reaffirmed my suspicions that men lie on these forums. The last one got really stalker like when after a failed internet connection one night he was very angry that I’d failed to write back to him. So all in all it was not a good experience. I did a paid one as well in the misguided belief that if they are willing to committ cash then they are probably more serious about wanting to meet someone. But not so.

    h) Well I know I sound incredibly negative and will probably evoke a “well you will never meet anyone with that attitude” but all I am saying is that the tips make it seem so easy like you just get out there with your masses of (but no more than 3 remember friends). “find some new friends then” yeah where.. oh at Pilates! Guess I feel like I have tried this all and it doesnt work so I am within my rights to say it. Also easy to say don’t tie your self esteem to being in a couple. Fair enought but the longer you are alone the more you think that there is a reason for that.
    But it’d be nice to be able to come back here and report different in the future like a girl above did.

    • Contact me – I totally understand where you are coming from. No one else I know gets any of this about being single. Deep down I think most people think its a choice, its not!

  35. Oh Alex.

    Firstly, yes I am married now, but I wrote this as I felt like my positive attitude at the time was one of the reasons I met him. I put my neck out and tried internet dating for the first time, “sold” myself in my profile, played the game, looked past people with issues and insecurities who I’d always gone for to make me feel better for mine. The universe also must have been smiling on me, but I credit the fact I did lots of counselling to sort out my head as I was previously terrible at relationships due to family issues, I became confident and positive through this blog and from the counselling, and decided it was MY time, I was worth it, I deserved happiness.

    But yes what the fuck does that mean and how is it helpful to you.

    I was also single for 5 years in London in my late twenties, and i was fucking miserable for at least 2 years of it. I never had any plans on a Saturday night, after a while I was too embarrassed to even admit that so just accepted I’d be in with a bottle (sometimes two) of wine and TV, up til the wee hours on my own. I also found internet dating cold, unromantic and cynical so I didn’t do it, and I was a bit of a crap friend because I hated how everyone was coupling up and happy and forgetting about me.

    I went to weddings single, put on a brave face, said how happy I was, but then got horribly drunk and often behaved appallingly and spent days afterwards in a spiral of self-loathing.

    I felt like I was no-one’s number 1, I felt lonely and sad, I became bitter and cynical, when I went out with my coupled up friends I insisted everyone party and do shots etc, because I couldn’t bear to go home alone and sober.

    So yes, I do understand your frustration. I’ve been pushing a single friend of mine to do internet dating, and she also pointed out she was getting messages from horrible men saying “I luv you want to meet lol”, and that it is only ONE way to meet men, and the other way is to go OUT and we are all so boring and never go out anymore. I understood we were going about trying to help the wrong way and making her feel even worse.

    But you are 36, only 36!!! You can have kids into your mid forties, yes its harder but its possible. I know some amazing single people who are your age and older. You are witty and funny and a great writer, you are interesting and intelligent.

    Who knows? Internet dating (Guardian Soulnates or My Single Friends) has worked for me and at least 4 other women I know who are now married. Meeting up with an old friend from Uni etc has worked with a few too. Otherwise random meetings – in bars, Easyjet flights – but this isn’t guaranteed.

    Anyway a big virtual hug to you my dear, and I’d love to hear from everyone else what you think?

    xxx

  36. Thanks Sasha

    I didnt think in reality that you’d still be reading as you posted back in 2010. But nice to know you are still seeing them.

    Thanks for the reply. I do have a lot going for me so get frustrated that I’m a waste of decent girlfriend material – I’m kind, funny, active, attractive and like to love and be loved so very frustrating when you don’t get taken up on the offer. Is 36 is young – it’s nearly 40 surely ha ha. I think I am worth it (I don’t use L’Oreal however) so frustrated that my attempts so far don’t work.

    Sounds like you have been there and have friends that still are – I hope now you are married you and your husband will go out with your single girlfriend so she has a wing couple.

    Maybe one day I will try online dating again, but it does feel like admitting desperation and I said to a friend recently that I’d rather stay single for ever than enter the hideous world it was at that time! I have in the last two year agreed to other two date invites that came as a result of random meetings but sadly they pulled out at the eleventh hour – in both cases the guys had recently split up with others but didnt say when arranging a date. That was a confidence knock “christ I can’t even secure a date let alone a shit one”

    But maybe one day I might have better news. Im not long out of a failed three month mini fling so probably not the best frame of mind to be thinking about dating. The conflict is that when you feel low because of yet another failed attempt you put pressure on yourself to be “doing something about it” but I know that even if a really nice guy walked in right now I’d probably tell him to go fuck himself because I’m still in the cynical zone but it won’t last forever (I hope ha ha)

    Thank you and much love xx

  37. I just want to say thank you for this post. I was forced to break up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few days ago because he didn’t want to commit to even so much as updating his facebook relationship status from single and he was making us both miserable.

    All of my friends are in long term relationships and it’s really hard not to feel like the failure of the group. I found this post at a really good time. I’m going to bookmark the page and read it when I start to feel less than positive about the situation. Thank you.

  38. @Alex

    I’m a single 33 year old guy and guess what, I know exactly how you feel and seem to be reading my own writing (although I’m not into pilates, I play football!)

    All my friends are in committed relationships, married, kids, moved country and I’m the only one I know who is single. Whenever I speak to one of them they always point out that the grass is always greener on the other side…they would love to be able to travel and do stuff as they don’t have time for that…but guess what, Saturday night is spent starring at a screen thinking about where it all went wrong. all my friends are busy doing their own thing and I think like the third wheel in life…going to the pub by myself, well, it’s just plain weird to see everyone having a good time and trying to think to myself that this is not weird…some weekends I don’t even speak a word to another human being.

    I haven’t been single for long but before this haven’t been single or 7 years. I’m not into dating or chatting up people as relationships always happened naturally (being a foreigner, the concept of dating is somewhat alien…how do you go for dinner / cinema / whatever with someone you don’t even know if they like your company…) and through mutual friends. What’s worst is that I know that I’m somewhat good looking, (or so say my male friends as well…) have immense love to give, my head is screwed well into my shoulders, can have a good laugh from silly things, can treat a girl like she’s the most special person in the world and actually like doing stuff that some girls do like (yoga, theatre, art exhibition, dancing)…

    How does this make me feel? more frustrated and angry that women out there can’t seem to see that I may have some worth. They mostly seem interested in rowdy drunken bastards who treat them like dirt. maybe that’s the trick, treat them like dirt and they like. However, reading your words you seem a sensitive person who hurts the same way I do. which is worse as there seem to be girls out there who are just annoyed / pissed off at the whole “don’t worry, be happy” attitude…it doesn’t always turn out well. If being happy single was an end most people would stay like that. Another person challenges you, makes you evolve faster, gives you comfort when you need a helping word…we’re not Buddhist priest who’ll be silent for years…we all want to be heard and loved… but WTF happened to hopping that better days will come…

    sorry about the rant but being a guy is not easy either, specially if you have feelings and socially you are pressed to withdraw them. My guess is that all will turn out well, we’re creatures of habits and will get used to whatever our life turns out to be. I surely don’t plan to be a grumpy old man but can’t seem to wonder that my full potential would be achieved faster when someone you love is sharing your achievements and defeats…no man is an island…

    • Hey Joy. I didn’t think anyone really got it let alone a guy. It’s funny that you say you could be reading your own writing because as I read yours it described pretty perfectly what I find. I too have been told I’m funny, intelligent, attractive etc yet never meet anyone that seems to value that for longer than a few weeks. If I didnt have a part time job on top of my day one I too could go a whole weekend without speaking to people. It’s not always like that as social occasions come up and that can be ok but I guess it’s the empty time in between that I notice most – the Saturday nights.
      You’re right – who goes to the pub alone? Who holidays alone – the point of those activities are to share them – well for me.
      What annoys me is I’m not a high maintenance girl who drags a man shopping or insist on watching awful romcoms. I, like you like to do a lot of stuff guys would like – outdoorsy stuff, choose an action film any day over chick trash but I’m also not a frump or not feminine.
      Going back to social occasions – I attended a wedding recently – didn’t have a plus one and not even a girlfriend I could take. I stayed as long as was polite but found it hard as I only knew the couple. That’s one thing I think coupled up friends don’t realise – they have a romantic view of being able to have a day free from their partner or kids or both to do that hobby thing they don’t get time for but seriously fail to appreciate the benefits of being in a relationship and the long boring nights alone or the effing tedious fake smiles, pointless chit chat and feigning of enthusiasm one has to make when attending new activities. If being single was so great then neither you nor I would be writing posts in this blog which essentially about how to least depressingly waste time until we meet someone. Dating sites are dreadfully depressing, and you cannot judge character or trust what the person had put (sadly they could be genuine) but in the five years I’ve been single when I have met someone (I’ve had a coupke of non starts so consider myself single) its been through naturally meeting people out. That proves it happens, but the older you get the fewer the opportunities are. I like you have my head screwed on (I might sound cynical but I’ve earnt it) aren’t a bunny boiler hell bent on breeding. I just want to meet someone who gets me I get them and we try to get everyone else together. As for treating women like crap, don’t change to one of those types to get a girl. You sound like a great bloke and you should stay as you are.

      • Hey Alex

        It was interesting to read your post, specially the social occasions bit. I also have the odd weekend here and there where I spend time with friends or travel to visit them. However, the lonely saturday nights in between, arriving from work to an empty flat, going to sleep staring at an empty pillow, waking up with silence crushes me with physical pain. I can have fun on my own, do stuff by myself but it would be nice to know that you mean something to someone or that someone is thinking of you and how you are.

        Speaking of weddings, the season has started. In the last three weeks I found out that five more people are getting married. I was never the “I want to get married” type but it just makes me feel even more like a third wheel. I too will be going to the weddings alone. I’ll try to have as much fun as I can alone or with friends but with the never ending sight of couples it’s difficult not to feel out of place. I wonder how it will pan out…I have developed a keen way of pretending that everything is alright and dandy. No one likes a downer and people cope better with happiness. It’s almost like wishing, hoping and not having is almost a disease. If the trick is to let go them most people would be living in caves. We all need someone to cherish and be dear too.

        Holidays alone…yeah… I guess I’ll have to be one of those people who’ll go on holidays alone as I’ll have to use my annual leave allowance. Is it what I wanted? Of course not. How will it be? I don’t know as it’ll be the first time I’ll be travelling alone without sharing experiences with someone dear. I’ve spent some time travelling alone on certain days but there was an end goal, someone to meet up with instead of drifting through places without speaking to anyone. It’ll be challeging but no other way, alternative is to stare at the ceiling which I rather not.

        I too was one of the people who wished I had more time for myself when in a relationship. I think it’s only natural to want what you don’t have and not realise that what’s in front of you is actually more than what you wanted but haven’t realised it. Everyone has romantic dreams about going hiking in the woods by themselves, spending time alone doing what they want. That feels good as you know that in the end you’re walking into the safety of someone who loves you no matter what. When there’s no one to hold you when you’re falling, it really feels like free falling.

        Like you, I would like to have someone who would want to explore the endless opportunities the world has to offer, share a smile, take dancing classes together, rip pillows apart, take a walk or just do nothing knowing that even that gives them comfort. Can’t stop but wonder that somewhere along the path I may have take a wrong turn into a one way street. I always felt that long term I’d be alone, even when in the relationships. Maybe that’s it and I’ll have to accept it. In the meantime, it’s hard not to fantasise with what you hope, once had and lost, wishing that someone someday will get you even if you don’t say much.

        As for treating women like dirt…I can’t really do that. I’m not an easy person, everyone has their idiosyncrasies. However, what I am able to devote and invest in a person far outweighs my flaws. I’m not the kind of guy who sleeps with any random person. Maybe my standards are too high but I need to be emotionally involved with someone before being intimate. In this day and age it’s almost like being a tool, knowing yourself and what you want. Everyone seems care free…

        You will find someone who gets you for what you are. I will likely find someone who gets me for what I am. Truth is that there’s no guarantee. In the meantime, they say we should learn from the experience as enjoy it as much as we can as it won’t be forever. That’s very nice but seems like a plaster to fix something broken. And no one likes to be or feel broken.

        Wishing you well.

    • Joy, do not suppress your feelings, or become emotionally retarded. It seems to be an English cultural bad trait. Always be you. SOme cultures are passionate, plenty of emotion. It’s healthy. Go for someone who will appreciate this. Do not turn into those cold hearted drunken bad boy emotionally unstable men. That is the biggest turn off. Trust me. Many women in England have been use to the cold lack of emotion or passion. But at heart all women are the same, we want to feel special and appreciated, just watch for the women with issues, and we women must run clear of men with unhealthy issues. Healthy +healthy = healthy. Unhealthy +healthy = Death.

  39. Oh, come on guys! I do hope you met on a Saturday night to talk about all this. It’s just crazy if you haven’t!

  40. Hey Sasha
    You mention you have some fantastic single guy friends. Are any of them still looking for a date?
    Josephine x

  41. Looking for a good man.

    • Looking 4 a good girl/lady..Sasha, get me connected pls..07[SASHA REMOVED THIS AS IT AINT GUARDIAN SOULMATES]..a genuine text msg begins the journey…Been Single for a while and have my life taken by work, tv and bed..Shy and humble but I decided to look further and straight…determine to get one to spend free time with and not the tv…Geeess!!…

      • Erm Ok so this isn’t actually a dating website dude…. But hey if anyone wants to text Alex (I’ve deleted your number for safety reaons!) then let me know x

      • Hi Sasha

        Well I was interested to see that this is still an active blog as when I first came across it I had a little moan to what I thought was empty cyber space.
         
        Since posting back in July I decided to give up utterly and take the advice of stop worrying about it. I met someone who seemsd nice, asked me on a date. I went, not the best – they were quite odd told me where to sit, eat, how much to pay etc so on asking for another date  (errm did you think that went well?)  I promptly told them no thanks and felt rather good for that.  So I stopped worring some more.  Since then I met someone who for the first time, I was really honest with about what I wanted (they asked me I didn’t announce it) rather than tip toeing worrying that if I said “yes at some point I want marriage and a family in my future”, they’d think I was Glenn Close, and pretty much told them to jog on if they didn’t like the sound of that. They did like the sound of that and we started dating. Sadly that one turned out to be a duplicitous shit as well; after announcing that the person they were previously dating, who at the time of starting to date me had moved away and they had said on separate occasions they had totally moved on from, got back in touch and told me that it wouldn’t be fair to him not to follow it up because he’d always be thinking what if, if he didn’t . Nice!   So I have decided to give up properly really not worth time or energy. It’s a shame but It seems that neither being delicated about what you want or being brutally honest about what you want doesn’t work and much as I don’t like to tar all chaps with the same brush  – each time my brush gets bigger and laden with tar.. so anyone know of any cats for sale? One 36 year old spinster looking for a cat, dog, insect – oh no hang on, been there on that last one and have several t shirts. Were white and now washed with a t bag 🙂
         

  42. It’s the most real, honest and useful tip I have ever read regarding this matter. And it’s all I needed to hear 😉 Thank you.

  43. I’m single also but the things is i’m working on my career and have been trying since i was sixth form going on university and even though i stayed single to study i cannot stop thinking about men, sex and romance.
    I’m very creative and my imagination starts cultivating romance and sexual encounters and then i can’t concentrate i get low marks and it feels crap to control yourself and then my imagination takes over.
    I read somewhere that women who can create sexual encounters with James Bond in their minds are suppose to be blessed or something i don’t think so its annoying when it pops in my mind again and i dwell on sexual fantasies of men with six pacs and then in reality a hot salesman rings my doorbell and i’m not dressed ill and look a state. Then i find myself thinking of that salesman again.

  44. I say have as many fantasy’s as you want

  45. By the way the salesman was so much hotter then all the Bond’s put together he was the hottest chinese man you could imagine he was stylish, well groomed wowza sexy! handsome an radiant skin tone really nice lips, eyes and lovely hairstyle as well slim build he must have had some muscles under his tuxedo OMG i wanted to be a crazy feminist proposing to the hot salesman!!!! Will you marry me Mr hot salesman from a while back?

  46. I haven’t felt that attracted to man before that salesman arrived at my doorstep i just wish i was looking my best and not ill and not looking sick like i haven’t showered in a while.

  47. It’s hard to come by well-informed people on this subject, however, you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks

  48. Brilliant post. I’m a single thirty year old and, not jut your post, but the comments of others, have given me a bit of motivation to get up and actually do something. I think I’m going to read this every time I need a motivational speech!

  49. London Women Are Stupid Fools

    The lying feelgood shill who wrote this tripe will probably not have the guts to publish this response, but nevertheless:

    The writer and pretty much every commenter here is a pathetic delusional weakling who needs to have smoke blown up her arse constantly in order to survive through life. That’s why you need to hang around in your little friend-support-circles where your ego gets protected and flattered and falsely boosted over and over again.

    Well, you lonely aging city girls, brace yourself, because it’s time for some reality-based truth!

    Permit me to lay down the real facts about you, your situation and your life as history will record it:

    Fact: You have far less value now than you did at the start of your ‘free decade’. Your ‘experience’ means nothing because your future husband is not particularly eager to hear about how you drunkenly slagged it up in the bars and clubs during your prime years. And when you get down to it, that is all you really did. Just drank too much and slept around like it was no big deal. But it is a big deal, you’re swarming with oral and genital viruses and bacteria now, you’ve been defiled so much you have no real value to any man apart from as a kind of communal public sex hole that lots of other men have already used. Just as most decent gentlemen would shy away from using a dodgy-looking, grimy old water fountain, so they will shy away from you and your dodgy grimy oldness. The only hope you have is to fake like you’re a decent, moral woman, and hope your dirty past never catches up to you. But most experienced gentlemen understand nowadays, that when it comes to finding out something disgusting about his beloved sweetheart’s past that completely ends his feelings of love for her, it’s really a matter of when, not if. That’s why I laugh so much when women talk about how their man won’t commit. He’s already committed, love, it’s just that he decided a long time ago that all you’re good for is fucking, not marrying. He’s committed to NOT marrying you! He just wanted to enjoy your prime years and then move on, hands free, no strings attached. And you fell for it! Because you desperately wanted to believe that you could secure a man like that. But you can’t, which leads me to my next point…

    Fact: Whoever you settle down with, it will be a much lower value man than the type you’re used to pulling as a slag, and there will be lots of intrinsic things you really don’t like about him. He won’t look anything like the guys you gave yourself to in your golden years, in fact he’ll be a pathetic shadow of those men – you wouldn’t have spat on him during your prime. So even if you do marry, this lingering resentment towards your inferior husband will be in your heart always, and you’ll never be truly content with life. You’ll probably wreck his life and the marriage by going back out slagging and cheating on him, because that’s what you do. You’re the type to put your own immediate gratification above all else, to put your casual momentary whims over your partner’s real deep human lifelong needs. That’s the kind of person you are – it’s a big part of the reason why nobody wants you. Why would anyone want to partner up with someone who behaves like a pig but thinks she deserves to be treated like a queen? The only reason a man sticks that out is because of looks, and yours are fading fast. Your fun ride through the ‘free decade’ is coming to an end, and guess what, that was the best bit of life you’re ever going to have, and it’s gone now, you squandered it on selfish hedonism that amounted to nothing.

    Fact: The women who are fertile past 30 are statistical outliers and the ones in their 40s are pure anomalies. This ‘Sasha’ fake-friend will point out some anecdote like “this one lady is 900 years old and she just had quintuplets!” and it makes you feel better, but if you had a brain you would realise that the lying, evil Sasha is just pumping you with false confidence and encouraging you to drive off the cliff, down into the barren void which is your destiny.

    Fact: There are only two types of men on internet dating: weird unwanted grotesques, and oversexed perverts who like playing lucky dip with their tackle. I know because they joke and laugh to me about the things they do to their internet women, who mean nothing to them, not even as human beings. If you’ve ever signed up for one of these sites then you are officially recorded in history as a loser – that is just how society is divided. You sign up, you are confessing your failure, joining the other failures at the bottom of the barrel. That’s why so many people hide it or lie about it. I mean, you had to go internet shopping for someone to love you, how icky and pathetic is that!

    Fact: There isn’t any hope for you now, because you are caught between two utterly opposing and incomplete sources of happiness. You have the option of being unhappily married as outlined above, or just living out your slag lifestyle until your tits are down by your bellybutton, and every man flees from you in terror as you skulk around the bar, drunkenly scavenging for a half-flaccid, beer-goggled cock to keep you warm for the night. Your golden age youthful charms will have become a repulsive inversion of their former glory, saddening to behold, while the men of your generation will be out there enjoying themselves with a new crop of naive young girls who are just ripening nicely into their own ‘free decade’, while you drop off the other end into the clearance pile. There’s an endless conveyor belt of nubile young bimbos looking for fun, and maturity is sexy in men. The fun continues and gets better for men in their thirties. Unfortunately for you, though, your time in the sun is up, you are unsold fruit, you had your chance and it is gone forever, it’s over.

    The best thing you can really do is warn other girls, help them learn from your mistakes, and teach them that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, this lifestyle of the slag in the city. Tell them how sad and lonely and empty your life really is. Help them learn from your failure so that they do not fall into the abyss like you.

    But of course you won’t do that. You won’t help them. You HATE young pretty girls now! Because you aren’t one any more. Ha ha ha!

    Not Yours,
    Mr Right aka. The Off-White Knight
    xoxo

    PS To the lonely men that commented: My god, shut up you boring rambling drones, no wonder no woman can stand being around you, you navel-gazing softcocks.

    PPS To any girls that say ‘oh but I never slept around that much’ – that’s literally all of you, actually, who will say that – but for the ones that say it and aren’t completely lying, I’ve got some sad news: you’re ugly and/or fat, that’s why you never got much attention. Yeah I know your bullshitting friends insist that you’re ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful’ but that’s just hot air and you know it. It’s not fact. They are blowing smoke up your arse because it’s easier than having to say you’re ugly, because you can’t take that. Deep down you know just as well as me or any human being how ugly you are, because we all know what a pretty girl looks like. And you ain’t it, no matter how much you try and disguise yourself as one! So tear down that make-believe delusional fantasy world you’ve built around yourself to spare your feelings from the harsh burning light of truthful reality, you pathetic baby!

    • Well well well aren’t you a delight. I was single in London for quite some time, and didn’t ‘slag around’. Many of the comments in this post would have been fitting and useful. I then met someone online who was not playing lucky dip with his tackle nor a grotesque pervert as you so eloquently put it. Tomorrow we are going to our mortgage meeting after three happy years together as we are now buying a house.

      It saddens me that you feel the need to make such derogatory comments about such a good positive post. I hope that one day you come to realise that trolling someone else’s positivity and helpful comments is only detrimental to yourself and no one else really cares about your negativity.

      • London Women Are Stupid Fools

        Wow… did you say… a mortgage meeting? A real life mortgage meeting?? OMG that’s so romantic!!!!! I’m SO impressed by your mortgage meeting! But are you sure Foxton’s will let your grotesque Shrek of an internet husband in there with you? They might prefer to have him kept on a leash outside the premises!

      • Reluctant Suburbanite

        What a charmer?! No need to hazard a guess at how you had the time and inclination to set out such a vile diatribe. I can’t imagine that people queue up to interact with you in real life. What a douche?!

      • London Women Are Stupid Fools

        Hey Suburbanite! Why do you use exclamation marks and question marks together at the same time? It makes you sound like a confused idiot?!

    • ” I know because they joke and laugh to me about the things they do to their internet women, who mean nothing to them, not even as human beings”

      Well they do say you can judge a man by the company he keeps.

      “maturity is sexy in men”

      You should try developing some then. You have way too much time on your hands given the length of your diatribe and the fact that you were clearly hanging around to rail at responses. Those ‘bimbos’ haven’t been taking the bait, have they?

      You do realise that everyone reading you will feel either pity or contempt, don’t you? They won’t be quivering in the face of your rapier-like wit and insight as you’d like to think. Pity or contempt; think on it.

      • London Women Are Stupid Fools

        Actually the people that matter are all laughing their bollocks off at my post! And just look at your writing compared to mine. Mine is full of the joy of life, you can tell I’m having a blast! And then look at yours, negative, boring and cuntish, empty, hateful, and worst of all totally unfunny. The one thing that’s clear from your lame reply is that your spirit is permanently dead and you hate your life!

    • Omg! This is hilarious! Loved it! 😉

    • I meet guys like you all the time, think they are gods gift to women, loud, arrogant and full of shit. But in truth the vast majority of women think you are a creep, but hey, you’re gods gift to women in your own mind and that’s all that matters.

      And any girls who are stupid enough to hook up with you, soon realize you are a women hating , untrustworthy pathetic excuse for a man who is shit in bed and dumps your ass .You are a sad excuse for a man, and hate on women either because they have rejected you so many times it’s burned a hole through to your very soul, or you are simply a frustrated virgin.

      When you hit your 40s or 50s you will wake up and realize you are alone, and you look like shit and your pulling days are over because your attitude is beyond repair, and all you can hope for is a quickie from the washed up grannies with a drink problem, but even they don’t want you as you are so desperate.

      People are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you. Hopefully you gain some intelligence quick enough to realize this and change before it’s to late. Take it from me, a lot of people don’t like you, they talk about you behind your back, because you are a nasty bastard, you can’t go through life treating people like shit and think there is no come back, there is, and the price is this, people will leave you, and the only company you will have is from other nasty son of a bitch who don’t care if you fall into the gutter and die. Like I said, I see people like you all the time, you think you’re the shit now, but it’s only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down around you.

  50. It’s really nice to see this blog pop up every now and then. It genuinely makes me happy to see that a simple post can encourage so many people.

    Irritatingly, falling in love, or even just getting in to a new relationship is usually one of those things that you cannot make a conscious effort to do. Sometimes it’s so hard to switch off your stupid brain and let the cards fall where they may.

    It’s also unfortunate that the more desperate for company you become, the less attractive you appear (almost subliminally, I think) to prospective partners. It’s such a hard balance to strike, but in my experience, wonderful people fall into your life just when you stop looking, or when you least expect it.

    This isn’t a very heartening thing to hear, for the person that’s been single forever and just wants someone to cuddle up with at night, but I hope that you can see your single life as an opportunity to do something for you, and only you. To better yourself in some way and become fully content with who you are; you’d be amazed at what some well placed self confidence will do for your desirability. Hell, I’ve met some great people whilst single and thought “you’re really nice, and would probably make a great girlfriend, but I’m just ridiculously content right now..” and held out for something more spectacular.

    As for internet dating; for me, it’s been the norm for going on three years now. Yes, it has its pitfalls, but a screen between you means that you can truly find out what page someone is on before you waste your time meeting. I have had great experiences with it, and have met some friends as well as longer term partners. In fact, in lesbian land, it’s nigh on essential. I would urge anyone to give it a go – especially if it’s a free site. You can sit with a glass of wine and go people shopping; it’s interesting and quite exciting, actually.

    Don’t give up on yourself; you don’t need to be with someone that makes you happy, you can *be* someone who makes you happy. The rest can fall in to place. What’s the point in listening to doom and gloom merchants – is it going to make you feel any better? Best just let them make an arse of themselves and move on to more positive things.

    Thanks Happy Project, You brighten my day.

  51. Tldr arsehole

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  53. Yes but what if all your friends are so lovedup or with babies that they dont go out anymore? What if you do not have one single friend left? What if youre over 40? Losing your job? With health problems? How can that work.. Ive tried so hard, im so alone.. I believe whats said but not sure it can work all the time..

    • Hi Sof. Well this is what I wondered last year when I came across this blog. I’m in the same position as you in terms of mates loved up, money tight etc. I was fed up of coupled up friends moaning about how hard it is with the kids and partner to find time to themselves and it made me want to say “you know what? I wish a husband and kids was the reason I cant meet for coffee etc so stop whining, paint my toes etc” as if being single suddenly makes you Sarah Jessica Parker, but through hobbies, recently, Ive made older friends whose kids have flown the nest. We meet and do stuff, free stuff – coffee, walking, window shopping and to be honest more keen on that than the club scene. Also I decided this year to focus on my health instead of worrying about being single – not aesthetically. I mean focus on good nutrition, exercise and meditation and looking after myself better. I’ve ditched the wine and sugar which has made me feel better (I wasn’t a big drinker but just felt it would be a good thing) I’m not puritanical about it, I will have a drink again at a birthday or special occasion, I don’t meditate daily but I guess switching my focus has made me care less about men. Take it from me (you can read my previous long rants up top) I’m not known for my sunny disposition, felt incredibly lonely like you mention and thought that Sasha’s comments were a bit well simplistic (sorry Sasha! You’re comments are true but tricky to follow when your mates are loved up) however I think taking some forward looking action, however small can help. So perhaps look at just one of those things – your health. I don’t know what your health issue is so it might be easy for me to say that but I mean take one element and do all you can to do something different with it. I am still single but I care less and more interested in working on my health.

      • Hi Alex!
        Thank you for getting back to me, it was really nice to hear from someone who understands!! 😉
        I will try and follow in your steps.. Try to sort out the job situation, emergency!!! And health at the same time.. Which will not be up to me, so fingers xxx…
        Trying to catch up with different people too, eork and old mates..
        Hope it all works in the end, also trying to mend a broken heart at the same time!!!!
        Life is a bit of a nasty woman with me right now, but we can get better, youre the proof of it!
        What kind of hobbies have you taken to?

        Sof

      • Also I must say that you’ve had a really rough time. Last year I had two or three people do really really shitty, sly things to me and I beat myself up about it – why me, why do I attract it etc but I did the best thing by cutting them out. Standing up for myself. Saying what I really thought and that goes a long way. So if you’re nursing a broken heart AS WELL as everything else you’ve got going on not surprised it feels helpless. Things are transient though. Good times and bad so the crap will pass and by cutting out the bad and focusing on one thing and forgiving myself for not being rich, coupled up, huge career etc I started to feel better. Forgive yourself and acknowledge that it’s entirely understandable that you are feeling pretty crappy right now but it is impermanent xx

    • Hi Sof. Well I’ve always been into fitness classes and I do the most inexpensive one I can but have met like minded folks there who are also watching money etc and aren’t divas! I also joined a music group in the community which was free to join at a local school in the evening and have been enjoying that too. I have to choose things that don’t cost a lot but I find that because the people that go we’re in the same ball park that you have more affinity from which friendships grew. X

  54. Jalil Sharhan

    I am at starting jun be their inlondon stadying english need grial freind

  55. Hello!

    Just stumbled upon this. I am a 27 year old guy and I have never had a girlfriend. I don’t know what it means to be in love. At work while colleagues talk about current and previous relationships, I just listen and smile and hope the topic changes quickly because I obviously have nothing to say. The other day I was called ‘unintiated’ by a colleague. We all laughed it off, but it hit me inside. Being single when virtually all your friends or colleagues appear to be in stable relationships can be shattering hard as you try to convince youself that all is well. Of course, one has no choice but to appear cheerful. But right now, my confidence has hit rock bottom.

    The idea of just waiting for things to fall into place or not to go actively looking for love as someone suggested above has not worked for me. It’s clear that the reason why I have never had a girlfriend at 27 is that I don’t put myself out there. I dont ‘chase’ women enough, I’m not flirty enough. I’m chilled out and perhaps too polite. I am a quiet guy. Seems women like to see that bit of a bad boy in you. If I start a conversation with a girl and she doesn’t seem interested, I just leave it. I don’t persist. I don’t want to pester anyone. Many times I look in the mirror and ask myself what is wrong that women just don’t look my way? At the risk of sounding cocksure, I know i’m goodlooking. I maintain good personal hygiene. I’m educated to postgraduate level. I always try to be nice and warm to everyone. in fact, recently I resolved to smile a lot more. You might say I’m still young, but at 27 one should have experienced a romantic relationship. It’s part of growing up. Will this ‘romantic inexperience’ on my path be a turn off for some girls?

    Having someone special in your life apart from family members is always a good thing. I’m am not finding singlehood fun. I better end my rant here. Thanks for this post.

  56. I am a decent looking bloke, people tell me this when I go out on a weekend sometimes. But it hasn’t helped me meet anyone. I am to shy, and women take this as not being interested, but it’s not true. And they do not break the ice either. It’s hard as rejection is tough, But someones got to make the first move, sadly I am not very good at it. A lot of men are loud and chat up women, I have never been like that, since school I have been quiet, it’s just the way I am and that makes it very tough to make friends when you are like this..

    For many years I wasted my time going to bars looking for a nice girl. Even in bars full of girls, I was like the invisible man, a lot of girls give me the eye, but I am just to shy to approach them, if I do get talking to girls, I am a bag of nerves.

    I guess I am doing it backwards, first I got to get my confidence sorted out, and then when I am happy with myself, I can go out and relax more around women.and it will happen naturally.

    My advice to single women out there is make the first move sometimes, as there are nice guys out there who are just not good at breaking the ice but are interested in meeting someone. I also think going to bars on weekends can be a soul crushing exercise if you are trying to meet someone, as it often ends in failure if you are on the shy side, you can find yourself in a large crown of drunk people and feel very alone. There has to be a better way than this to meet someone.

    I knew a nice girl who would go out every weekend with a friend, and she ended up alone while her friend chatted up guys and pulled, and this nice girl would end up going home alone. Luckily I met this girl one night in a bar, she looked miserable, and I started talking to her and we have been friends ever since, that was six years ago. We did see each other for a while, but I think we are more compatible as friends, we will see how it goes.

    Anyway, good luck to you all, being with someone is nice, but brings with it a new set of problems and emotions, and can be very hard at times, but that’s life I guess. I think the first stage is getting your own life sorted, getting your health and fitness in order is a big part of feeling confident, and getting respect for yourself, and when you have inner happiness, that doesn’t require another person to make you feel happy, that is when other people are attracted to you, It’s very hard to get someone to like you when you don’t really like yourself or you don’t feel like you are going to meet someone. Think positive, and act positive, have a bit of spark, energy about yourself, and get out there. You will never meet anyone sitting at home.

  57. Looking for a partner can be a disaster if all you do is go out drinking on weekends in bars. Especially if you can’t control the amount you drink when you are out. I used to go out looking and feeling good, like I had a chance to meet a nice girl, but by the end of the night, after a few to many drinks, I am chatting up women old enough to be my mother , and they don’t even want me. I done this for far to long and got nowhere.

    A lot of single men would be better off giving up drinking if they want to find a nice girl, and instead put there energy into working out and looking as good as possible, when you do go out looking for a date, dress smart, wear a nice shirt and shoes. And get strong and fit, it builds confidence and inner happiness, and girls are attracted to this, Guys need to look like men, girls don’t want little boys or men who dress like school kids.

    Also deal with your emotional problems before you go looking for someone. Give yourself until next summer to make real positive changes in your health, fitness, attitude. Then you will be in a far better position to meet someone, instead of finding it a uphill struggle all the time, it will happen far more naturally. A lot of single people are leaving everything to chance, instead of taking control of the situation, I done this for years, thought I would meet someone because I was nice, or looked ok. Wrong, I was alone for a long time, you got to get up off your butt and take action, if you find yourself in a rut, or a hole you can’t seem to get out of. Only you can help yourself in this situation.

    You can spend many many years in pubs and bars full of girls and never get any attention. Even if you look good, You project a certain vibe to people, if you have inner anxiety, negativity or depression,, they can pick up on this, Both men and women give off this vibe, and it reflects your lifestyle and way of thinking, if you want people to be attracted to you, you got to be more positive about life.

    From my experience looks are far less important to finding a partner than being a out going positive , kind, happy person. If you don’t have the personality to go with the looks, forget about it, you will not get results, maybe short term, but you will end up alone sooner or later and find it hard to make friends or meet people. You need to work on both equally. And you get that from doing something small each day to better yourself. Cut out bad habits, replace them with healthy positive habits, and over time, you will transform yourself into someone who is attractive inside and out and things like dating or finding the right person will become easier.

    A lot of people are living life wrong, they go out every weekend, lonely, looking for someone, get shit faced in the pub and think they had a good night, but are still alone and do the same thing every week thinking it’s only a matter of time until they meet someone. This is not how you do it people, work on yourselves, build yourselves up emotionally and physically. Then find mr or mrs right. Stop panicking and getting anxious, there is no rush, make real positive changes in the next 12 months then try again when you have a better foundation.

    Sorry if I come across as preachy or a know it all, I don’t know it all, I am just trying to help. To many good decent people out there stuck in this cycle of being alone, or thinking negative about it, when they are compatible with so many people out there, it doesn’t have to be this way if you don’t want it to be, you just have to take a different approach and take positive action in your life.

  58. Thing is, all my friends have babies so now I don’t have anyone to go out with looking for love. Thinking of going to bars alone and pretend I’m waiting for a friend…Oh god.

  59. Im 40 ,im in London i really needed this words ,God bless you …you are really nice ,THANK YOU for worry for your single friends and for can understand how you can feel and make arrive this precious words to me

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  61. I’m so glad I found this post, so much sounds familiar. Thank you Sasha. I am really trying to find the positives of being single in London (the freedom etc) but it can get so lonely at times. Too often lately I find myself popping into Tesco Extra on my way home to buy a bottle of wine which I will drink alone on the sofa.
    I am 35, have a great job that most would be jealous of, people tell me I am attractive and funny, and I am usually positive, cool and don’t let things get me down. So why all of a sudden, am I having attacks of emotion [lol]. What is wrong with me, why am I so miserable???
    I have tried internet dating and have had some bizarre experiences. I went on one date and after an hour the guy’s mom and dad turned up. WTF! I have received several photos of erm….todgers…. and on one date the guy told me that he had moved to the UK as there was a contract out on his life in his home country. Once again, WTF!
    Not only do I seem to attract horror on the internet but I am also a disaster in real life. In the past year, two so called happily married guys at work have confessed they are in love with me. One of them was a real shock as the relationship was purely professional. I immediately [and gently] stamped out any ideas he may have. The other pursued me for months until I fell for him…badly. Pretty quickly it became clear that this guy had married the wrong person in order to construct the ‘perfect family life’ and is regretting it. Grass definitely not greener. Anyhow, I am not designed for the mistress role, I became defensive and told him to f*ck off and never speak to me again. Every day I battle with myself about this (especially on those Saturday nights alone). Should I have given it a chance? It’s ironic that I meet so many of the wrong people, and when I finally do fall for someone, they are married. I still don’t know whether he was a snake or genuine. Bit of both I suspect.
    I have become a bit dejected by internet dating (and I don’t want to receive any further pictures of genitalia thank you very much). I have also tried speed dating without success. Both of these things can batter the self esteem if your sense of humour starts to wane. I have just discovered Meetup so I am going to try this next. Apparently you meet groups of people to do activities rather than being completely focused on hunting for the perfect person. I like the idea. It is difficult to stay positive sometimes and I am sure there will be some days where I sink back into my PJ’s and wine, or smash my credit card in a shoe shop as a result of being lonely and lovesick.
    Good luck to everyone who has posted. I’m right there with you 🙂

  62. Oh, I meant to say, good luck to everyone except that strange bitter and twisted ”London women are stupid fools” person. I reckon his girlfriend shagged his work colleague and gave him a disease. Serves him right for targeting slags. Says a lot about him lol

  63. Every now and then I happen to visit this post and see the responses in here. It’s somewhat soothing to see that you’re not the only one who seems to find it hard to cope with how life in the big smoke pans out after a few years.

    However, the more time goes by the more I tend to accept things as they are instead of wishing something that’s not happening. How lucky am I to have a night in where my non-existing partner doesn’t get disappointed because I was too tired to go out? Or the amount of sleep I’m able to get without a baby crying every hour. Or my availability to pick up my camera and take a snap of the London night lights?

    I’ve dwelled long and hard on my Saturday nights in or the cold pillow next to mine. It’s less unusual than we’re led to believe. Like most gamblers, people tend to tell us their winnings rather than their losses. No one likes to share misery and people tend to stay away from it. Fact is, most of us lead somewhat comically banal lives. People with partners wonder why they’re with them most of the times. People without them wonder why they’re without them most of the times as well.

    I agree with Alain de Botton on the view of dating websites. Their focus on perfection, matching and compatibility strays from the real point, tolerance to frustration and making compromises when things turn sour. They also seem to entice us with the possibility of there’s always someone better out there, an endless pursuit of the “one”.

    Whilst travelling on my own I ended up meeting quite a number of people. It’s refreshing how most people are genuinely nice even if they are complete strangers. When you’re traveling you’re not thinking about finding a partner or anyone for that matter. However, the relaxation works wonders and people are more willing to take a chance and be more vulnerable. If most of the times we were more relaxed and less worried about our social status perhaps we could really enjoy our company even if, at this point in time, we only have the NSA for company.

    If it takes long for someone to share my joy then it’s not a problem, I can wait. I hope that most of the people that stop by here take comfort in knowing that we’re all more typical than we’re led to believe by our friends and family.

    PS: @lozt – well done not settling for a guy who’s not 100% committed. Most guys don’t take a leap of faith, they tend to want the best of both worlds, family life and adventure.

  64. I have read this article very quickly….hence I have not read the posts above this – but it is great. I am single bloke who will not settle for ‘game players’ or time wasters, but working in a male dominated environment….guess what, I do not mean many women! But I am happy in my own skin (I have my moments though, I would like a wonderful woman in my life) – but in the mean time I will enjoy my friends and all the things that make me happy and keep me smiling. Like now…friends are busy (generaly all coupled up or working)….and I am not due to meet friends until 8pm…so…I am going a pub crawl solo – to relax, its been a long week – and I think the trick is just to speak to ‘people’…..and the rest will happen – think ahead for 30 mins at a time with everyday life (except your job, mortgage and other important things!) – this brings my 30 mins to a close – a cheeky beer before I leave work and type into Google ‘things to do in London on your own’

    Michael

    PS my first ever internet/forum post etc – cheers to that I guess lol

  65. Single can suck. Especially when it gets cold and you have no one. Life can be cold, cold like it’s winter. Better for me to get a girlfriend, and tell her we will always be together

  66. Move to NYC you will not be single for long. We love accents and you will have fun while falling inlove.

  67. Love your article, and I want to get involved! We have just launched a brand new Dance Dating event – gender balanced and loads of fun – we’ve had some great times already, and were full of lovely people wanting to get out and meet! Do you fancy it? Join us on May 21st!!
    https://www.facebook.com/events/1435658600016659/

  68. Great article Sasha – sensitively written, practical advice. And I’m happy you finally found the right man for you. Having been single for years and years, with the occasional 3 month fling, I have become an expert at enjoying my own company, keeping busy, accepting all invitations (even when I’m the only single person there), attending weddings on my own and online dating. But it’s not easy. In fact it can be downright soul-destroying, which is why I’ve started turning things down. I vividly remember going to a married friend’s bar-b-que, where everyone else were couples. The house was heaving with husbands and wives, babies and toddlers. After a few hours of smiling and nodding, I ended up in the kitchen by myself, doing the washing up, because I had absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations about sore nipples, finding the best nurseries or why I’m still single. They were all lovely people, but I’d never been more painfully aware of how different my life was to theirs. It was overwhelming how alien I felt. I am attractive, intelligent and generally quite upbeat, but sometimes I feel like I’m failing at life – I watch people pair off, the inevitability of it, yet it somehow seems to escape me.

    Reading these posts helps – we’re not alone in our aloneness. There’s nothing wrong with being single, until you don’t want to be anymore. I just want to share my life with someone. I have had some pretty low times and it often takes a huge effort to shake off the depression and self-pity. I don’t like to bring my friends down, so I go through periods of being quite antisocial too. Exercise helps. As does just generally looking after your health and wellbeing. Yoga, massages, a bit of pampering, some therapy if needed, whatever works. A friend once joked that keeping myself in excellent condition was such a waste when there was nobody to appreciate it. Well, I do it for my sanity as much as anything else. It’s better than giving up.

    Alex – I can totally relate to your comments – it’s as if I wrote them myself. I’m now in my late thirties, all my friends are married with children and have moved out of London. With nobody to go out with, the next logical step was to make new friends. The only thing is, they went and got married too! I now hang out with mostly gay friends, who are great company, but it does tend to stop me from meeting straight men. Back to online dating – except I can’t afford to waste any more money on Match.com or Guardian Soulmates, so I now use free dating apps. I also attend classes and go to meetups that interest me, which tend to be female dominated, it’s true! Fortunately, I’m not desperate to have children, which certainly takes the edge off. I can ‘relax’, take my time, find the right person – in theory. In practice, I tend to meet men with emotional problems, addictions and mental health issues! I’m beginning to seriously wonder whether all the good (ie: normal) ones in my age bracket are already taken. I must have missed the boat.

    According to a survey by eHarmony (tried them too!) ‘the best place to find a man in London is in the City, where there’s 155 single men per 100 women. But overall, single men tend to congregate in the countryside while single women are in towns and cities’. I’ve never been into workaholic corporate types, so now I’m seriously considering leaving London. Never thought I’d end up doing that on my own, and it’s incredibly daunting, but I need to make new friends anyway and at least I’ll be able to afford a better quality of life. And since I hate cliches, I’ll be getting a dog!

    Speaking of cliches, the next time a married person says the reason you’re still single is because you’re too fussy, pause for thought, then reply: “Oh! Does that mean married people aren’t fussy then?”

    • “In practice, I tend to meet men with emotional problems, addictions and mental health issues!”. How very true!!! I am in same boat as you with only difference, I tend to meet women with emotional problems, addictions and mental health issues! I am not gay, if that makes any difference. There are so few normal people around, which explains why society is the way it is today. “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king”, lonely king.

      Sam

    • Jasmine, oh please don’t leave London!! Let’s meet up for a cup of tea and chat and exchange experiences!! :-). Seriously… Yours is a great response (obviously I also enjoy the blog, it’s such a source of inspiration) – thank you. Helga.

    • Hi Jasmine

      Thanks for including me in your note above. I haven’t read this blog for a really long time and now and again it pops up in my email and I read the comments people have left. I relate to completely to what you say; about trying to stay upbeat, accepting every invitation, generally getting out there.

      I’ve tried a free dating website for about a year and only really seem to attract guys who as you say, have emotional or mental health issues. I’m now that much closer to 40 and do you think that the men in my age bracket who are “normal” have unfortunately all been taken.

      I continue to keep busy, getting involved in things, stepping outside my comfort zone, blah blah. The last couple of years I did pluck up the courage to go on holiday on my own.

      After I read my comments back about who can you go with if your mates are all tied up, it was clear I really didn’t have anyone to go with other than myself. I enjoyed it, had a very cheap week in the sun and by the time that week came round the following year I’d made a new female friend who came with me the second time.

      I’ve been on a few dates since I last posted and have accepted invitations from people that I wouldn’t ordinarily think were my “type” on the basis that you never know. I’ve not to date met anybody through this process who I’ve had a genuine attraction to. I guess one can only keep trying.

      The one thing about hitting you late 30s is that at least the number of weddings that you have to attend slows down lol! It seems to be a 30 to 35 type thing.

      I’ve also noticed that the only men that contact me on the sites are at least 10 years older than me which reaffirms my belief that men of my own age are all tied up in relationships. To be honest I’m holding out for my 50s in the hope that one of those guys now in his late 30s may have divorced and decided to move on lol.

      Agree completely with what you say about people calling us fussy, as if discernment is reserved only for married couples. Ha ha.

  69. Ladies, all so true…. However, it does seem we’re single and typing into our computers thinking the same thing – so email me if you want to meet up?

    • Haha Becks, I’d be up for meeting up if I lived in London but I’m a bit of a cheat, I actually live much further south. It is interesting to hear that people in the big smoke struggle to find suitable male company perhaps dispels the myth suggested to me that it’s the area that I am living that’s problematic rather than anything else.

      I hope you London bound ladies do meet up though as it is good to know that one is not alone in this. X

    • Becks, is there a meeting being planned? It wasn’t clear from the posts whether there is a contact, a place, a time…. It wound be great to catch up! 🙂 Nat

  70. Being single in your 40s (which apparently means I gave no hope at all in finding anyone) is pretty horrible. And London is a particulardy “lonely” city

  71. Happy New Year!
    Helga, Becks, Melysion, I’d love to meet up – let’s do it 🙂
    Since my last post, I’ve attended several singles events on my own. It’s been a revelation. Not because I’ve met any decent men sadly, but because I’ve met some very inspiring independent single ladies. They’re all well-travelled, multi-lingual and love London with a passion. It really got me thinking. I realised I just don’t love it here any more. It can be a lonely city, and there certainly appears to be a shortage of ‘normal’ men in my age group. I know that’s practically sacrilegious on a blog about how great London is, but I think my time here is done. Perhaps when you fall out of love with a place, you’re not longer able to attract love there. Maybe the vibes are all wrong. I wonder now if I should have left a long time ago. In any case, I feel very positive, for the first time in a long time, about the future. After all, if you don’t change anything, nothing changes. So here’s to a new life after London.

  72. Ladies, what’s happening with a meeting? Any contact details? It would be great…

  73. Thank you for this lovely post! It made me smile and feel a lighter and more optimistic about being a single guy at 34 in london.

    Not sure how many guys feel this way but I guess I am a bit of a romantic…..i would like there to be some magic to the start of my relationship with my future partner. Going to singles nights or online dating seems a tad too orchastrated for me. I met my last girlfriend while helping her on to a train! Perhaps the world has moved along and I havent caught up yet? 😉

    I do think there is something to be said for a good old fashioned, clean and simple ‘hello’ and a smile. It takes a little courage and of course a foundation of good character and being happy within ones self….otherwise it will only ever be creepy.

    For my fellow men reading this – lets go back to being principled human beings who have taken the time and energy to work through our emotional issues in a healthy way. Then attracting the right woman ought to be effortless. Beautiful kind compassionate women do exist and its up to us to get ourselves right first!

    For women – I have certainly noticed that more and more good women seem to feel a little like I do when I think about who to vote for – a mixture of apathy, frustration, bemusement and hopelessness – when it comes to meeting a good man. All I would say is we do exist!!!!!!! We are not all lazy gits :))) Focus on nurturing yourself more and be open to the possibility of good things for you….then you make it easier for the right man, in the right place in himself, at the right time to feel comfortable to say that first ‘hello’ :)))

  74. If you’re single in London then why not apply for Married at First Sight? The second series of Channel 4’s Married at First Sight is looking for men and women to join its pool of singles wanting to be matched expertly and scientifically with their perfect partner for the ultimate commitment. Email your name, age, email address and telephone number to us at marriedatfirstsight@cplproductions.co.uk for lots more information about taking part in this wonderfully unique way of finding the love of your life!

  75. Why is it that it’s always the people in relationships that say ” enjoy being single” or “you’re still meet someone”, etc. This article is written by someone who found her partner so she has no clue how someone feels approaching 40 and single. Oh and lucky you for meeting the perfect guy from your first online experience – thanks for making the rest of us feeling like failiure.

    • Ah ah, true and what about when you’re way past 40? Never mind you look so much younger! Unfortunately youre not and time to say bye to your hopes of ever becoming a mum.. Oh and going out with your friends? Youre dreaming, theyre home with thier kids and or partners.. No time for you anymore..
      Intriducing to their friends?!? Joke..
      I love the pub, unfortunately no one to go there with..
      A class or hobby is true, filled with women only..
      Internet full of non committal guys..
      Im tired of trying or even hoping..

    • This is a bit unfair. The whole point of this blog is to try to be positive and inspire. I was trying to encourage and motivate and think of the glass half full, that’s the whole point of the blog, that you appreciate what you have.

      That said, of course I know I was bloody lucky to meet someone on my first internet date, and I’m well aware that’s rare. I have plenty of friends who have had absolute disasters online.

      You must understand this was written in my mid thirties as a call to arms to friends who were feeling fed up. I get that approaching 40 and beyond things get harder and I’m aware if I hadn’t met my partner then I could well be in that boat. I know the pain that must bring and I’m sorry if this post added to it or seemed naive. Maybe I will write another post but the worry would be I’d seem patronising and I’m not in that situation (but hey, things haven’t exactly been breezy for me either – feel free to read my other blog to see why).

      xx

  76. Sasha, you don’t need to justify your post. However, it’s understandable that some may find it hard to relate to when it’s been written by someone who’s not in the same boat! I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time.

    It’s been over a year since my last post and I’m still single. I’ll be 39 this year… Just wanted to add that whilst it can be miserable being perpetually uncoupled, it helps to come to a place of acceptance. This is the journey we’re on. Everyone has their own challenges. I truly believe the difficulties/sadness/pain of living as a singleton are not better or worse than the multitude of problems that people in couples face. I’ve spent the last year meditating, tapping (EFT), healing and saving money so that I can move on to the next chapter of my life, out of London, by myself. I’ve developed a more philosophical view of things and have shed the self-pity. I’ve allowed myself to grieve for the fact that I haven’t spent my 30’s loved up with a wonderful man and I’ve come out the other side of that. Because ultimately, I can’t change the past and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I feel lighter and somewhat detached from all the stuff that used to get me down. I just don’t need the drama. I’m lucky that I’ve never wanted children, so that helps. I have a single friend who desperately wants to be a mum and is finally considering her options of doing it on her own. I hope this doesn’t sound brutal, but we just have to make the best of the life we have and we can only do that once we accept it the way it is. A therapist told me that it’s only once we fully accept something that it can begin to change. And that accepting it doesn’t mean we have to like it (!) but that we stop fighting against it and let go of the turmoil.

    I finally realised that I’m the envy of all my married friends – because I have freedom. I intend to make the most of that.

  77. I would have thought good place for ladies to meet men would be in a golf club or on golf course. There, men are relaxed in their elements – competitive, free to think, exercising and fresh air, rain and mud. It does take a smidgeon of effort and an interest or ability in the game. Otherwise there is always the 19th hole where men are healthily hungry having just walked 4/5 miles.

  78. Pingback: The modern man’s guide to dating

  79. LittleMissLondon

    This has left me feeling hopeful and demoralised in just about equal measure (having read all the comments too)! I hope everyone who has posted about being unhappy has found their own happiness, with or without a partner. I wonder if anyone still reads this…?

    • I still read it! And I’m still single, lol. I’ve spent the past 6 months property hunting so I can move out of London and start a new life elsewhere. I’m hoping the change of scenery, new people and different social circles will help me meet someone, but if not, no matter. I’ll be getting a dog and a whole new life. I still resolutely refuse to feel self-pity although it doesn’t help that I’ve been struggling with depression for the past year. In any case, I’m living my life on my terms and am grateful for that. This article sums it up well:
      http://themindsjournal.com/never-find-the-one/

      Keep soldiering on singletons! Apparently, we’re all right where we’re supposed to be… xx

  80. Hello everybody,
    found your posts and stories pretty interesting and want to thank everyone who´s in the same situation than me but still hasn´t lost her/his optimistic kind of humour. Nothing worked, I´m still single so gave it up, but then meeting a fantastic man in the tube three weeks ago, helping me with my lagguage. Overwhelmed first, I found back to my words and talked to this sympathic guy for a couple of minutes. Unfortunately forgot giving him my number, left with nothing in my hands. Absolutely no idea how finding him again. Does anyone have an idea? Thanks so much! Have a nice evening.

  81. Hello everybody

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