A London girl’s guide to getting hitched

So, The Chef and I got hitched just over a month ago - hurrah – and, while I slowly sink back to earth, catch up on sleep, and enjoy being able to EAT and DRINK again, I thought I’d write down some stuff I learned along the way *:

1. The dress – there’s nothing like wedding dress shopping to drop a giant big turd on your “special day”. They tell you you need 6 months to order your dress, then say they haven’t got any free appointments for 2 months, and sometimes even say you have to pay £20 for the privilege. Some make you take off your shoes at the door, wear gloves and rush you to be in and out in an hour. Importantly, there is far too little champers handed out (big up to Mirror Mirror and Teokath for bucking this trend). Fact is, unless you get it made, buy it second hand or go vintage, you’ll pay an average of £2,000 for your dress and the alteration process is a nightmare that goes on for hours. The upside is that if you pick the right one, you’ll feel incredible on the day, and its a great lesson in what suits you so I found my wardrobe also improved. These are the dress shops that I think are worth going to:

• Teokath in Wimbledon – where I got my lovely Lusan Mandongus dress. They have a great selection of dresses, are friendly, have a lovely dress fitter who will patentiently address all your concerns (pull it in! more! shit I can’t breathe!), and you can also buy jewellery there.
• Jenny Packham in Pimlico – hard to get an appointment, but gorgeous beaded 1920s Great Gatsby style dresses. Best suited to tall skinny people though.
• Mirror Mirror and Morgan Davies in Islington for great selection of dresses, although at Morgan Davies you have to pay £20 for appointments.
• Alice Temperley in Notting Hill – amazingly different, electic dresses, perfect for the actresses and extroverts amongst you. Lovely room to try on stuff and great to try something different.
• Suzanne Neville in Knightsbridge – lovely dresses and lovely staff although I was slightly put off by their posters of Danielle Lineker that adorn the walls.
• While I’m at it, Bridal Rogue Gallery on Chiltern Street has an amazing selection of shoes and jewellery, and borrow the veil from a friend (sooo expensive).

2. Self-preservation, head fuckwittage and general wellbeing -while getting married was the happiest day of my life, and I am absolutely loving being a newlywed, I put my hands up and say not only it is bloody stressful, for me the pre-wedding preparations was a time when I needed to work at staying happy. I remember when I was single I got annoyed at my engaged friends moaning, thinking you should be happy – I’m having to go to Tiger Tiger this Saturday and you’re sticking me on the single table! And I too found that when I moaned about the pressure, I had people saying I should be happy and why was I sweating the small stuff, which I found pretty unhelpful.

But I now know (and sorry to my married freinds who I was unsympathetic to before!) that weddings bring to the fore issues of self-esteem, highlight family problems, make you miss people who can’t be there, shine the spotlight on friendships, showing who you can count on and who are always too busy.

And, more than that, the fact that you have now got what you’ve always wanted, have all this attention on you, is a little overwhelming and sometimes, there is a tiny little voice that says

why me? how could I be this lucky? I don’t deserve this happiness!

…and you have to organise lots, and think about things you don’t normally give a crap about like flowers and hairstyles and ribbons and napkins and garters.

And you suddenly feel bad about all your married friends who you were a bitch to when you were single and unhappy, acting with indifference to husbands and children, getting horrifically drunk at weddings and snogging the best man. It made me feel guilty that they were all so lovely to me and didn’t hold my previous bad behaviour and impatience against me (apart from one – who pointed out when I emailed accomodation details 4 months before that I RIPPED brides apart for doing this at previous weddings).

And you don’t sleep brilliantly and you are dieting, and you might get cold sores or excema, and start being a fucking bitch to your husband-to-be, and then you worry he might not marry you after all and then…. Argh!

After a recommendation from a friend,  who commented very kindly on how ragged I was looking, I became a walking pharmacy of things-that-help. This stuff calmed me down and zenned me out, so much so that I was surprisingly cool and calm on the big day:

• A sleepy time dream pillow spray of lavender
• Valerian herbal anti-anxiety tablets (I had one called Quiet Life that was amazing)
• Herbal sleeping pills (I used Nytol)
• Buy bottles of Bach Rescue remedy for work, in your handbag, in your car, at home. Use frequently, especially when he says “but there isn’t anything to do!“.
• Vitamin B complex helps with stress and energy and cold sores.
• I’m not ashamed to say that due to my erratic behaviour and feeling a bit overwhelmed I had a “maintenance” session with my amazing counsellor (email me for deets) – she made me realise what was upsetting me and why I was finding things difficult because I just didn’t t hink I deserved all this wonderful stuff happening to me. She made me realise I did deserve it – I’ve worked so hard on my faults, on my happiness, on this blog, on relationships and life and family. I’ve worked bloody hard and I do deserve it. I deserve The Chef – he’s my reward somehow. And I am lucky, I won’t forget that.

3. Grooming. I found it stressful thinking I had to be the thinnest I’d ever been, the most beautiful. And what if you wake up with spots? Or excema? Or a cold sore? My friend pointed out that a bride’s beauty comes from within, from the fact that she is so happy she’s glowing, and on the day itself I was in this smiley bubble all day, but we all need a little help so here’s where I went:

• Linda Meredith in Knightsbridge does amazing facials and oxygen facials where they push oxygen into your skin. Made me glow for about a week. Not cheap (£100 for a facial and £100 for the oxygen thing) but I got a voucher from Keynoir at half the price.
• Lorraine at Expressions gave me a set of amazingly natural-looking eyelash extensions (to avoid the Sam from TOWIE look, just ask for a lash on every 2nd or 3rd lash and volume rather than length) which looked amazing on the big day and meant I didn’t have to wear any make-up for the week before and for almost 3 weeks afterwards so perfect for honeymoon. She works from her rather hard-to-find flat in Hammersmith but its well worth going.
• Michael Becman who works at Space NK in Edinburgh did my hair and make-up – we kept it very light and natural, and as I was getting married outside in a garden, we put flowers and pearls in my hair. Mikee’s not only a great make-up artist, he is hilarious and kept us all laughing on the big day.

4. The cake. Oh my look at that beauty above. We utterly lucked out with the cake. I found cake shopping quite disappointing, the fact that a simple, boring-looking, traditional three-tiered cake costs minimum £300 and often didn’t taste or look that great. And then through twitter we met Lisa Brunton-Stocks (@harbourhussy), who is mad about cakes, and actually, pretty mad full stop. She drove all the way from Aberdeen to Edinburgh to let us taste her cakes which were incredible, and for the first time I got excited about what a wedding cake could be. She was amazingly inspired and creative and spent ages getting it perfect – sending me pictures of edible pearls and meringue to match my dress, matching the decoration to the lace on my dress and my bouquet. It was a jaw dropping cake and amazingly delicious. And on the way to honeymoon, I read this blog her friend wrote about the work that went into it: http://willtravelforcake.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/an-epic-wedding-cake/. If you can’t find your own Lisa, then I reckon M&S has some brilliant, unique cakes at good prices (check out this upside down white choc version).

5. The photographer. We used Paul Raeburn who took these amazing photos. We hated posed photos and interminable group shots that last for hours and he was perfect. Really artistic photos in a journalist style capturing amazing moments – The Chef kissing my forehead during the service, my sister crying and waving as she said goodbye before I walked down the aisle, my bridesmaid pouring her drink into my glass as I was “thirsty”. We wanted to spend the day enjoying ourselves and being with our friends so he was the perfect photographer.

6. The wedding. As neither of us is particularly religious, and we wanted to marry somewhere unusual and unique, and not particularly traditional, we had a Humanist ceremony under giant redwood trees in the Royal Botanic Gardens in Edinburgh. Being in Scotland, it rained a bit, but I loved the freedom of us all huddled together under these trees and we loved the Humanist ceremony where our celebrant talked about how we met, what we loved about each other, and about how much we loved our friends and family. We sang Happy Together by the Turtles, had a piper playing me down the aisle, and my friends read a poem they’d written. It was moving, emotional, funny and we loved it. We then ate haggis, neeps and tatties, ended with deep fried Mars Bar with an Irn-Bru chaser and ceilidhed the night away. Humanist ceremonies aren’t legal in England sadly but we’re hoping this will change as its a fantastic alternative to a registry office ceremony.

9. The extras that no-one really cares about but you bend over backwards to do anyway:

• The Chef was right – favours are indeed largely ignored so don’t spend much money (we got married at Easter so we gave everyone little bags filled with Easter eggs).
• One thing we did that everyone loved though was table names of our favourite restaurants and we told the story of the time we went there.
• We didn’t have an order of service as the ceremony was so special we wanted people to be engaged and surprised all the way through, and stop people flicking through to see what was next and when they could get a drink. We did get amazing creative invitations through Nirvana CPH - we did the invite in the guise of a menu and they looked amazing.

* for another point of view, you might also want to read my thoughts on being single in London.

An update from the HPL

It’s been a few months since I’ve written the blog and quite a lot has happened in that time. It seems like a good time to update you so here goes, deep breaths!

On my birthday in Brockwell Park a couple of months ago, The Chef asked me to marry him, and I said yes. This was followed by excitement and champagne and a rush of wedding organisation as our chosen venue (the Botanics in my hometown of Edinburgh) only had one date left for 2012 which made us move quite fast. The reaction of our friends and families was completely brilliant – we felt very loved, and as if everyone thought we were a great couple and were really happy for us.

This was then followed, I now admit, by a period of what might only be described as mild panic. Not about the wedding – I’m remarkably chilled about all that, dare I say it I’ve found it quite fun so far; nor about The Chef who is completely (mostly) perfect in every single way and with whom I share a passionate love of words, The Killing, musicals, Deacon Blue and anything edible that makes you put on weight – but about the fact that I’m finally growing up (at 34, late starter), starting a family of my own, settling down. There’s also the panic of this is it, forever! What a gamble! How scary! But then I think this is balanced by the stability it brings, which is wonderful – you have someone to support you emotionally and financially, a real team, even by law. You can’t walk away easily, you have try to be nice and supportive at all times, it’s not just me on my own against the world. And for me, a bit of a loner at times, that is a scary but exciting thing.

I’m back to bliss again – looking forward wildly to the wedding and entering a phase which I can foresee is likely to become highly irritating to others. Of course, I think our wedding is going to be the best party known to man ever in the world, and I want everyone to be where I want them and when. I’m gutted when someone can’t make it or suggests they won’t stay long, or will be giving birth shortly before or after or in one case, during. I love talking about the wedding, the cake, the flowers, the food, and I’m only just managing to stop before it gets inutterably dull.

For those who are interested in such things, I have a gorgeous sparkly ring, a lovely dress, and our wedding theme is Braveheart meets Mrs DoubtFire with the wedding scene from Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves – it’s all haggis and tartan and thistles and man-skirts and whisky and The Proclaimers. As The Chef put it, it’s sort of like a wedding that an American couple would plan if their great-great-grandfather claimed to be from Dundee.

So that, dear friends, is my news. Is finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with the key to happiness? Not really no, the ups and downs remain, but it’s different now, I’m different, it’s not just me, it’s us. And that’s a very happy prospect.

A little Friday post on some things I’ve learned recently…

1. I’m actually quite shy at times. And very confident at other times. I’m sort of a shy extrovert I suppose.  My shyness has been with me all my life, but only happens in a small number of recogniseable situations, and I’m trying to be OK with it. I’m actually a far better listener than I thought and I don’t particularly like talking about myself unless it’s something I’m excited or worried about. Like a child hiding under its mother’s skirt, I’m trying to see it as endearing.

2. I can get extremely stressed out without realising it. Once I know it’s there, life gets so much easier. I just need to cut down on what I’m doing, call friends to chat, try to do some yoga. Think about others not me. And more massages. What my life needs is more massages. And manicures.

3. There is nothing in life more surreal, amazing, beautiful and wonderful than someone you love giving birth. I never knew the feeling of love towards this wee munchkin I’ve never even met would be quite so strong.

4. You shouldn’t drink too much wine when you’re cycling; my favourite cocktail in the world is a vodka martini with 2 green olives; and I hate being told off.

5. You can’t assume that anyone – however close they are to you - know how you are feeling, even if you think it must be obvious. It’s far easier just to tell them, you’ll get what you want twice as quickly.

6. Most of my friends are flawed just like me (I love this article that @rachelhills posted). That’s probably why they’re my friends and why I love them to bits. If I can’t accept their flaws then that would mean I couldn’t accept myself and they coudn’t accept me back. But they do and I love them for it. And who the hell am I to judge?

7. Elton John was right when he said sorry is the hardest word. Second is probably onomatopeic.

8. How the hell did I get so competitive? Sometimes I have the ego and posturing of an alpha male rooster (the total antithesis of my shyness, who said women were easy to figure out). It’s so frickin’ schoolyard and something I need to shake off. It’s my life and I’m living it how I want to. I don’t need to match up to anyone or compare myself, and one-upmanship makes me feel guilty anyway. I need to work on remembering other people are on my side, we can work together as a team. Life is far sweeter that way.

9. Sometimes only a pizza and a bottle of red wine will do. Otherwise life on a low carb diet would be excruciating.

10. Having a built-in wardrobe fitted costs a lot more than you’d think.

Guest Post: Happiness between the sexes – how winning defines us

Note from Sasha: As you know, I write using an anonymous persona, Sasha, who’s positive, enthusiastic, upbeat; she wants to inspire and motivate. She can be at times, to some of my friends (especially the blokes), a little bit irritating. What you might not know is that this blog’s readership is overwhelmingly FEMALE. And while this is fantastic – I love you ladies and the amazing support the HPL gets  - I also wanted something for the boys, something of a respite from the usual smiley cheeriness of the blog. So who better than my friend Mr Maxi, founder of Nandos Bike Club and all-round cool man around town (he’ll HATE me saying that). He had free reign to come up with a male-focused anti-HPL blog post and he’s somehow managed to define how men and women perceive happiness differently while talking about gambling. I think it’s brilliant – it made me laugh out loud. I’m not ENTIRELY sure how this is going to go down with the rest of you, but in any case, enjoy!

 __________________________________________

This ‘Happiness’ blog.
It’s so bloody NICE.
So stickily HAPPY – a digital glacé cherry
It is no surprise to me that The Happiness Project London is written by, and for the most part, contributed to, by GIRLS. 

You lovely things. Look at you girls, with your super supportive comments and overflowing cup philosophy. After all, life’s too short to make the most of all the dolphins you could be swimming with and time you could be spending with your mum – who is also your best friend – right?

A microchip embedded deep in my CPU means I lack capacity to comprehend your scrawling – and to me, reading it is but a rung above sliding down a razorblade into a vinegar-filled paddling pool.

• Are you <really> this happy? Surely not.
• Perhaps it’s satisfying to feint elation then? I don’t believe that.
• And do you <truly> rejoice in the joy of others as your comments suggest? Given the choice, you’d secretly swap places with someone whose happiness level scores higher than your own. Surely. 

It may not surprise you to learn that I’m male. 

So I’m a realist. 
To me, the cup is neither half empty nor half full; it’s merely twice as big as it needs to be given the volume of its contents.
Your peacock-feather displays of happiness overwhelms me – I’m scared and baffled by fluffyjossstickproject. 

You think I’m damaged goods perhaps. A spoilsport. A bitter outcast from your World of syrup souls. 

But I’m not Eden’s serpent, trying to awaken you from a blissful dream.
To understand me, you’ll require X-ray specs.
Somewhere, beneath my skinhead and scowl, beyond the retina scanner to my soul and at the very back of the dusty vault, I am in fact extremely happy. 

I just don’t want to shout it from the rooftops. Or spend too much time celebrating your happiness. 

When it comes to happiness, we’re different, you see.
Men and women that is.
So when are we both at our happiest? When do we SING?
When we’re winning of course.
And when it comes to winning, men are from casino; women are from bingo. 

Ever played bingo?

You probably have; according to statistics, it’s the second most popular ‘active hobby’ in the UK (after fishing, apparently).
And women represent the just under 80% of its customers. 

Ever watched bingo advertising?
No matter what the brand, it’s always about celebrating a win.
Feeling HAPPY.
TOGETHER.
The plot is simple and usually revolves around this concept: Come to bingo to be with your pals. Share a rib-cracking embrace when they win – and remember to shriek with elation (as girls do, apparently) if it’s you. Most importantly, wave your hands uncontrollably. You’ve BLOODY WON! WE’VE ALL BLOODY WON!! 

But art imitates life in this case, and the advertising is effective. Trust me on this.
Bingo doesn’t purport to be a game of skill – on the contrary, a computer can dab your numbers automatically if you prefer while you stare, comatose, at the ceiling. But weirdly, according to research, having this basic input (dabbing numbers when they are called) allows women to feel empowered. 

Conversely, for this audience, games with more complex tactics, rules – and genuine skill – are simply not successful.
Why?
Because it’s winning per se – and the associated celebration – that is the real drive for women; community, friendships, chatrooms and social gatherings all contribute to what is shared happiness.
I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW I’M HAPPY AND I AM HAPPY FOR YOU TOO!
GORGEOUS GROUP GIRL HUG! 

And so to casinos. 

Ever been to a casino?
If you’re a woman, you’ve visited a couple of times but according to stats, you’ve probably accompanied a man.
Casinos are also gambling shrines, but unlike bingo, are generally pretty intimidating places.
Sophisticated. Suave, even – with murky connections and champagne cocktails. 

And if you’re a winner, luck is irrelevant – it’s because you’re INTELLEGENT! 
Well done; you’ve BEATEN the system. You’re a hunter, truly empowered – you’re a ‘player’.
Guess what – men love casinos. They represent around 84% of their audience. 

And have you ever watched a casino winner win?
What, no arm spasms?
Bingo this ain’t – you’d be lucky to get a reaction at all.
And nothing from the spectators either – there may be a gentleman’s nod on a big win – but nothing EMOTIONAL. No way. 

Inside, beyond the façade, the winning male is pirouetting, annihilating all doubters and beating his chest for all the imaginary animals of the forest to appreciate. There are other factors in play here – he’s PROVEN something. He’s BEATEN OTHERS. And that makes him even happier. 

Relatively speaking, men are ultimately hardwired to be internally happy.
Happiness is controlled. And not shared.
And we celebrate bringing down our peers – not propping them up.
So men are from casino. 

Maybe this helps to explain why The Happiness Project London is written by, and for the most part, contributed to by GIRLS.
Girls are from bingo.
Share the happiness. Share the love. That’s just dandy; you’re fabricated this way.
Meanwhile, know that even if I don’t show it, I’m happy too.
If you need me, I’ll be down the casino.

Richard Layard on Happiness @ The School Of Life

I’ve been meaning to go to The School of Life for aaages. It was founded by Alain De Botton and is the sort of institution that only a great city like London could produce. It does breakfast seminars and classes on fascinating subjects about life, love and the pursuit of happiness such as How To Be A Better Friend, How Necessary Is A Relationship and How To Fill The God-Shaped Hole. I’d love to do a breakfast lecture in their central shop, but last Sunday they hosted Richard Layard from the Action for Happiness - a new charity which aims to create a mass movement for happiness in society, and I had to go. And I dragged The Chef along for good measure, who commented that he would enjoy nothing more on a Sunday morning than getting up early and going to listen to someone talking about the science of happiness.

It was a Sunday sermon held in the Conway Hall on Red Lion Square. And wowser, it was incredibly busy when we arrived – the queue snaked round the entrance, all ages and types of people, babies and oldies, all keen, some taking notes, many giggling, and we barely found 2 free seats on the balcony. And it truly was like a Sunday sermon. The Choir With No Name (brilliant – check them out if you can) had us on our feet singing Happy Together by The Turtles and Movin’ On Up by Primal Scream. Singing in unison and in medleys and enjoying it totally. Made me remember how singing en masse with soaring soprano bits and clapping is super fun and one of the things I miss most about going to church every Sunday as a child.

And then Richard Layard told us about the Action for Happiness’ 10 keys to happier living. These were decided by a swat team of happiness dudes who argued at length about what was most important in creating a society that aimed to create happiness and lessen misery. So, after careful deliberation, they came up the following rules, split into how you interact outwardly with the world each day, and your inner mind:

• Giving (to others, makes you feel better as a result – apparently the same bits of your brain triggered as when you eat chocolate. So far, so HPL)
  Relating (like my “connect” but more I think – to change your minset to realise you aren’t COMPETING with everyone but that you are all in it together, people are on your side and can be trusted)
  Exercising (yeah yeah, got it already, “be active”)
  Appreciating (like my “be curious”)
  Trying out (I suppose this is like my “learn”)

So I felt quite chuffed, part of the zeitgeist. That my rules that I collated on the back of a fag packet on the tube one night would have taken a team of scientists many months, even years, to come up with. Internal high fives all round. But then with one fell swoop I realised that my rules were missing something incredibly fundamental, something that I’ve touched on with my thoughts on happiness but not really concentrated on, to this blog’s detriment. And that is the rules of the inner mind. The most important rules. The rules without which I don’t think you can be truly happy. I was now mentally slapping myself on the forehead repeatedly. They are these:

• Direction (you need some sort of aim or goal – but not too challenging)
  Resilience (the idea – that I’ve heard said in various philosophies like Your Erroneous Zones, and a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt - that you do not have to be the victim, you decide how you react to any situation, no-one can force you to feel anything you don’t choose to feel)
  Emotional positivity (again, hugely important. Can you take a brilliant day where crappy things happen and allow the positive to outweight the negative?)
  Acceptance (the acceptance of yourself and others, allowing yourself to forgive)
  Meaning (the understanding that you are part of something bigger – in whatever spiritual or religious way you want it to be)

As well as kicking myself for not thinking about these before, I’m also delighted to have discovered them now – like I’ve just found the biggest piece of the jigsaw behind the sofa.

But if I look at their rules for “In Our Mind” I realise how horribly short of the mark I am for many of them. Direction is OK – I sort of know where I’m going now after a few years of dithering and I’m incredibly focused when I need to be. But I’m not emotionally resilient one bit – I feel mortally wounded by the smallest criticism, and if I’m ever told off I feel like curling up in a ball and licking my wounds for a month. And emotional positivity? Well yes I’m enthusiastic, and laid back at times, but a brilliant film has been known to be ruined for me if I have bad seats, a great night out ruined by an insensitive comment. Emotionally, I can be a glass-half-empty-and-a-bit-chipped kind of girl. I need to work on this because when I AM in a positive frame of mind (and I am a lot of the time, honest) I feel much better, bond better with friends and family, basically am less of a moaney bitch.

Oh god and then acceptance! Well I have only recently managed to accept myself. But I still think I’m a bit of a dick much of the time. But at least I accept others right? Well to an extent. Although if someone does things differently from me – a different attitude to friendship or holidays or recycling or music or text message vocabulary or SQUEEZING THE TOOTHPASTE, it can rub me up the wrong way. It’s tiring and annoying for the people I love. And then I get annoyed at myself because I think “live and let live, for fuck sake Sasha” (which always reminds me of that theme song from Bond of the entirely opposite meaning) but I still find it hard. So I need to work on this one the most perhaps. And don’t talk to me about forgiveness. I still have gripes from circa 1983 and fights with my sister at the school bus stop.

There’s a lot to work on. But this blog needs more shape and depth than just the best places in London to find a flat white (although that will continue, I’m “trying out“, innit). So, I have decided to take one “inner mind” rule at a time and examine it closely over the space of several weeks, months even, however long it takes. Work out what it means to me, what I’m doing wrong, little exercises to get better. Fact is, I’m not going to find nirvana through attending dance classes or eating the best burger in London (although I enjoy the instant gratification I get from them), so I want to make this my new focus.

For now, I’m going to start with the exercises on happiness they gave us at the sermon which you can do too:

1. List 3 things that have happened in the last 24 hours that you are grateful for; and

2.  Write down 5 acts of kindness you can do this week.

It has taken me a while to think of mine and I have, but they are a little personal so there’s some things I need to keep to myself. Included however are having lovely people to show me a great cycle route to work; the lovely Chef and details thereof; cooking Burns supper for 10 friends; and making Lady B playlists of music to give birth to. I’ve joined the Action for Happiness and encourage you to do the same - they need lots more supporters to built their happy society based on equality, trust, kindness, peace and high-fives all round (the last one is my idea). Just think – a society where you don’t need to fight to be better than anyone and it’s not all about having the most money / best looks / nicest handbag. If you like you could have a read of Richard Layard’s book on happiness too.

Check out the School of Life’s upcoming events too. Their breakfast lectures look fab – all that culture before you’ve even got to work – and they’ve got Grayson Perry talking about Kinky Sex on Sunday 13 February. I’d also love to go to their lectures on Mindfulness, Photography in London and…ahem…How To Be Cool. London I salute you.

Some thoughts on being single in London

Recently, I’ve seen too many single friends get upset because they’re single. And it baffles and frustrates the crap out of me because they are fabulous and fun and clever and beautiful, all of them (and no, I’m not just saying that because they’re my friends). I also know some brilliant single guy friends who complain about never meeting the right woman. This comment on my post on the Free Decade summed up the panic you can feel when you’re single and it makes  me really sad to see people I love feeling like that.

It’s not just the fact of not having a partner or not having had a shag for a while, it is the effect it seems to have on self-esteem and confidence. It is easy to become cynical. I’m not single right now, but I was for a long time when I first moved to London. I ended up enjoying it, but I did go through a long period of miserable Saturday nights in; sitting on the single table at weddings next to a gay guy and the bride’s 15 year old cousin and getting far too drunk to cover the fact that I was gutted that my friend was getting married and I was so far behind; and getting irritated by and envious of my smug married friends. So I have been thinking a lot recently about my single friends who I adore, and I had some thoughts which I wanted to share. This is for you *raises wine glass*.

1. DO NOT PANIC. The man for you is at this very moment in shiny armour astride a white horse, scratching his head and saying “so where the fuck IS she then?!”.  Its just a case of meeting really.

2. YOU HAVE TIME. There are many inspirational 40-something women who are having their first babies now. The way I see it, as long as you don’t break the world record for the oldest mother alive (currentlyOmkari Panwar, age 70), then you should be OK. I’m being glib but life isn’t a 100 metre sprint, its about longevity, finding the right person for you.

3. YOU HAVE TO LOOK. Ladies, you will not find your ideal man at ballroom dancing class or pilates. Men, your ideal woman will not appear on your sofa while you’re watching Top Gear.

4. BUT IN THE RIGHT PLACES. Tiger Tiger, the Crazy Kangaroo and Infernos are inappropriate pulling venues in your thirties and above (although Lady B is an exception to this rule). I’m also cynical about singles nights as I hear again and again that there is a distinct lack of men (Ms Marmite Lover’s single Valentine’s night was a classic example and it was no surprise that Time Out advertised for more men on twitter the night before their recent singles event). So if I was a single bloke it would be a pretty good bet. But ladies, I’d spend your cash in the pub instead. It is also, in my humble opinion, utter bullshit that you will meet a man through starting a class or a course – I’ve done a few in London and they are pretty much all filled with women. Now I think about it men don’t actually do much do they? Which means that the ideal place to meet is the pub, no matter what age you are.

5. CONSIDER INTERNET DATING. In 1990, 40% of couples met their partner through their friends. Between 2007 and 2010, 17% of couples who married met through internet dating and 20% of couples were introduced through the internet (tis true – read here). Yes, it can feel unromantic and shallow in its selection process, but it’s efficient and I know more and more people who have met their partners this way. And I have to be honest and say I met The Chef on Guardian Soulmates (he was my first ever internet date) and I’m bloody glad I did – I’m not sure if our paths would have crossed otherwise. I’m still reconciling myself with the fact that we met there, and I do get embarrassed when people ask where we met, but I would definitely recommend trying it. My advice would be to arrange to meet up after a few emails – you won’t know what they are really like until you meet them and the image you are building up in your head may be wrong. Also, there is nothing more depressing than a terrible date and you will know how you feel about the other person in about 30 seconds, so arrange a quick coffee and say you have plans shortly after so you can make your escape easily if you need to. Sudden US conference calls that require your urgent attention can also be useful.

6. A BAD RELATIONSHIP IS WORSE THAN BEING ON YOUR OWN. Being in a “relationship” with someone who won’t commit, or treats you badly, or is married to someone else, or is only interested in sex, will not make you happy (if you are a woman at least). The great stuff about relationships – the trust and the love and the Sunday walks holding hands – are typically missing and it will bite into your self-esteem. I see it again and again with friends but it can be hard to walk away when it is a choice of having someone rather than no-one. I just think it is very rare that these relationships don’t end it tears. Remember how fabulous you are and walk away. Yes your Saturday nights might be lonely again and you may miss the sex, but you will soon be walking with your head held high again.

7. YOU’RE SINGLE, SO WHAT? Don’t let it affect your self-esteem or your confidence. You aren’t a failure – life is often won and lost through timing, being in the right place at the right time. Do all you can to boost your confidence. And it is dangerous to tie your self esteem too closely to finding a mate – the ideal is to be happy on your own, just happier when he or she is around.

8. THE ART OF THE PULL. If you are in a same-sex group of friends of more than 3 people, you are unlikely to start chatting to the opposite sex. And it is a great idea to go on the pull with your coupled-up friends – they are much more likely to walk up and chat to new people because they don’t really care what happens, although you may find yourself cringing at obvious match-making. Be open-minded and talk to people you might not fancy the pants off – attraction can develop…or they may have fit friends. And don’t be too cynical about the whole thing – yes it feels a little naff when you are a bit older but it can be a hell of a lot of fun too.

9. RELY ON YOUR FRIENDS. Often Londoners are so busy they won’t pick up on the fact that you always suggest Saturday night to meet, and are always told everyone has plans already. Saturday nights alone can be miserable, but if you don’t tell your friends how you feel, they won’t understand how important it is to invite you out. And don’t avoid your couple friends, they are still fun to hang out with…or they may have fit friends. Girls’ and boys’ nights out are brilliant – but remember the 3+ person pulling rule.

10. FORGET ABAAAHT IT. Don’t let your quest for a partner and your desire to get married take over your life. The grass isn’t always greener, there is more to life than just being in a couple. Think about your career, your friends, your holidays and concentrate on that for a bit. Take off the rose-tinted glasses – your married and coupled-up friends have the same sorts of problems that you have – life’s worries don’t fade away just because you’re shacked up.

11. ENJOY IT. Being single can be brilliant. You can do what the hell you like, you can be selfish. You can spend all your time socialising. Or sitting in your flat eating cheese and onion sandwiches and picking your toenails. You can snog random and/or inappropriate strangers. You pick where you go on holiday and how tidy or untidy your flat is. You can spend your money on ridiculous things, eat, drink and smoke what you like. Enjoy it while it lasts!

On grief

The more I write about happiness, the more I read other blogs about happiness, and the more I see that often those who write about happiness are those who have experienced great sadness.  Maybe experiencing sadness means you appreciate happiness more*. In any case, I wanted to share my thoughts on coping with grief with you. It may help if you’re having a rough time of it. And, if I’m honest, the writing of this is a little bit of therapy for me too. Here goes:

Stage 1 – Trauma

IT happens. This stage is like emotional jet lag. One moment you’re doubled up wailing and looking in the mirror and not recognising the face. The next, you might feel catharsis, something like relief. And sometimes hope and excitement and then back to grief.

Your concentration is terrible. You’re in something like shock – you might not tell your left from your right. Driving a hire car may be costly. You may laugh and cry within the space of a few minutes, often at completely inappropriate times. Going to the supermarket to buy milk, you may end up standing in an aisle, holding a pumpkin and wondering where on earth you are and what you are doing. You may find yourself phoning 118 118 and ask to speak to the man who sings that song that makes you cry. Your right shoe is on your left foot and vice versa.  Certainly, nothing else in the world matters.

You may take up smoking in the morning, drinking at lunchtime and staying up until 4am. You can barely leave the house, your hair is greasy, you can’t sleep and you live in trackie bums. At times, you want to talk for hours and at times, you want to be left alone. Your friends are confused. You need to get your shit together and get healthy at some point, but not yet. Tell your boss and your friends – you can’t cope with work shit and any other shit on top of this.

If you imagine you have an open bleeding wound, then you just ripped the plaster off.  It feels necessary and unstoppable and human. But also hopeless and uncontrollable, and just very, very sad. At times overwhelming, which is exactly the moment when you must call a friend or your mum and just cry. Thing is, you need to get through this to get to the next stage.

You can stop it of course – you could drink or medicate yourself through it, or ignore what you are going through (the plaster goes back on) but then you never get to 2. Your friends have been amazing but sadly, you need to spend time alone, cry, be sad, be brave and let yourself feel it all. Lay off the booze, be selfish, don’t book up all your time and cancel appointments. And, eventually, you get to 2.

Stage 2 – Regrets and what ifs

What if I hadn’t moaned so much, if I hadn’t been so selfish. I should have told them I loved them more, visited more frequently. I should or shouldn’t have done x and y and z and any number of things. There is an urgent desire to atone, to finish unfinished conversations. You may never be able to. But if you still can,  you should wait until you’re less emotional – it could go horribly wrong and you might not get the response you want. And the other person may be grieving too and need their own time.

It’s good to write a letter or a diary. Start it as if it’s a normal letter – how you are, what you’ve been doing lately. Then what you wish you’d said or done and how much you love them and thank them for everything and tell them how much you miss them and are so so sorry. You may never be able to send it. But if you still can, don’t send it yet – what until you get to 4 and only if you still think you need to.

At some point you will reconcile yourself that what happened happened and you can’t change it. You may go back to 1. Or you may get to 3.

Stage 3 – Development

You may cut your hair, start an exercise routine, buy new clothes, book a holiday. You are likely to rack up debts. Try not to get a tattoo or a nose job or anything permanent – this too is a phase. Taking up hardcore drugs or a marathon is equally not wise.

This is a consolidation, a meditative phase where you realise what the truth is – what really happened, the fact that you could do nothing to stop it happening. More importantly, what it means for your future, what you can do to move on, the person you really are and what you really need.

You may realise that you slept OK last night or you didn’t cry today. At times you may feel like you’re fine – but you’re not quite there yet so be cautious. Friends may have stopped calling or texting, which can make you feel lonely. Make sure you tell them how you feel because you need them still. You may still go back to 1 and 2 but eventually, you’ll get to 4. 

Stage 4 – Healing

Last night you slept. And then today you suddenly realised you felt happy. You may have felt positive, that life is full of possibilities. You smiled openly in the street. You told your friends how much you love them. It may have only lasted a short time but it was genuine. You’re almost there.

You’ve learned some things about yourself – who you are, what you need and what you want. You shouldn’t go back – it’s time to move on. Start a new course or think about making changes. Work on friendships and your family. Be positive – this process has made you a stronger, more knowledgeable person. Life is out there waiting for you – you’re ready and you WILL be happy again.

So what are you waiting for? The world is your oyster, your friend and your playground – go jump on the swings.

* See Kahlil Gibran’s On Pain where he says pain is the breaking of the shell of your understanding.

What Women Want

If your immediate response to the title of this post is a Stirling-esque “who cares?” then this post isn’t for you. However, if you have problems understanding your wife / girlfriend / female friend, then it might help a little. I should start by saying that I am unbelievably lucky to have had the most wonderful boyfriends and male friends who this is in no way written about (although some things may be familiar…!) – I am writing this for men in general. Secondly, I obviously can’t speak for every woman in the world. We are all wonderfully unique and complex and, thus, rather difficult to work out (which is frustrating for men who are generally very simple). But I think I know women pretty well so I can talk for at least some of us. So here goes:

1. We may earn more than you. We have our own careers, mortgages, social lives. We want to be respected for being clever and independent and we want you to be proud of us. But at the same time it’s tiring being strong all the time – we sometimes want you to come up with holiday plans and find the passports, stay by our side at a party and come up with date night ideas. Its OK for us to be strong and vulnerable at the same time, you just need to accept both sides.

2. We don’t care how much you earn as long as we agree with you on how comfortable we want life to be and are able to afford the things we need to live this life. We don’t need expensive gifts but we like you to treat us now and again. We’re happy to lend you money. And ALWAYS buy us a birthday present, it doesn’t matter if it’s small. We don’t mind if you’ll never be the boss but we want you to be happy at what you do and fulfil your ambitions.

3. Become acquainted with the toilet brush.

4. Internet daters – don’t feel obliged to prove you are the sort of man YOU THINK we want:

• Photo 1 = your sister told you that you look cute (but it doesn’t really look like you)
• Photo 2 = Trekking somewhere foreign (me man, climb mountain, am available for mini breaks)
• Photo 3 = arm round a fit woman (to show us that you have fit friends? that you once dated someone fit? that if you deign to put your arm round a fit woman in a bar she won’t push you away in disgust?). The fact is WE’RE fit so all that matters is that we would allow you to put your arm round US
• Photo 4 = with friends in pub, drinking beer (am not social leper)
• Photo 5 = drinking coffee, reading a book, looking thoughtful (I can be deep and meaningful and we can talk about Sartre while I stroke your hair, or if you like we can just get pissed – see photo 4)
• Photo 6 – “fun” photo (I am HILARIOUS – tie round head, air guitar or similar)

What we actually want is to see who you are. We want someone with nice eyes. Who looks interesting and has chosen photos that show the man not a stereotype. Who is honest and romantic and knows themself and what they want. Isn’t afraid to mention that they want kids too. And has nice guns (we can be shallow too).

5. Yes, we KNOW we are being ridiculous for getting upset at that stupid small thing which has no real connection to the conversation we were having. We KNOW you don’t understand. We know we SHOULDN’T get upset. But we ARE upset. Although we’ll be fine soon. Just stop lecturing and give us a hug and tell us it will be OK.

6. If we’ve gone to an effort to dress up, you really should say how lovely we look, no matter how long the relationship has lasted (and even though you secretly prefer us hungover, sans make up, in an old t-shirt and jeans).  Appreciate matching silk underwear - all that stuff about us wearing it for ourselves is bollocks, most girls are far happier in cotton M&S. And know when to make an effort yourself too.

7. We know we sometimes drive badly and can’t cook very well. But tell us in a non-patronising way because we’re fiercely independent and we’re trying to look after you and don’t want to feel stupid. And we don’t know what “riding the clutch” means anyway.

8. We realise you don’t give a toss what colour the walls are, what type of lamp shades we get and how the house plants are looking. But we are nesting and want you to be part of it. We have grown up with adverts and films showing couples in overalls redecorating and getting covered in paint and being all cosy and cute, its our little fantasy. So grab the tool box and join in and look like you’re having fun (it actually can be and you’ll have a great sense of achievement – honestly). At the very least remember that you may get a nice dinner, beer and other oft-requested rewards at the end.

9. The following are not funny: jokes about our biological clocks tic-tocking, references to us being “on the shelf” or similar, any form of fart joke, comments about our mothers. We do however have a pretty dirty sense of humour and will laugh as hard as you to The Inbetweeners and keep your mates amused for hours at the pub.

10. If we’ve put on weight, its either because we just gave birth to your 8 pound baby or we’ve had a few too many burgers lately. But believe me we’re well aware of it. In fact we worry about it constantly. If you refer to it in a negative way, we will either (a) make ourselves feel better by eating more (we comfort eat when sad. And many of us comfort eat when happy too, double trouble); or (b) lose the weight in a focused way and promptly look for someone more sensitive and non-judgmental. Best way to deal with this is to make us feel beautiful anyway - we’ll lose it eventually and if we don’t, make sure you appreciate the new curves.

And “I love your thunder thighs” is not an acceptable compliment even if you meant it as one.

Happy 1st birthday to the HPL!

Thank you to my gorgeous friend Giavanna who baked – baked! – this cake herself and for the candle and accompanying red wine

Dear readers,

The HPL is very happy because we are 1 year old today. Yes, on 15 October 2009 I began this blog with a fairly crap post imaginately entitled “Hello London” and the rest is history.

So what has happened in this year and how has my life changed by following the HPL rules?

Well, its been a tough year. A very sad break-up (which, with his blessing, I will write about in due course), moving jobs and losing good friends to the land of marriage and babies and life outside London. I have written about the confusion I’ve felt as an unmarried 30-something in my post about The Free Decade and how rubbish it is to read articles about our dimishing fertility here.

But its also been a really positive year. I have started appreciating the beauty of London’s architecture and parks. I’ve started liking Londoners a lot more, and can hardly believe all the fun and interesting things to do and places to go right on my doorstep. I’m definitely making the most of life here now, getting more into films and music especially. I know myself better. My relationships with my friends have improved and I appreciate them more I think, I call people more rather than texting and I’m closer to my mum than I have ever been *waves*. I think I’m a bit kinder. And things have happened recently which have made me excited about what lies ahead for me in the future.

I decided early on to write with a certain persona – to only write upbeat, enthusiastic and positive articles which would try to inspire and encourage. Those that know me know that I’m actually a grumpy cynic at times, but forcing myself not to criticise and to concentrate on the positive has defintiely rubbed off on the way I see life. The process of writing has also given me confidence - as a shy extrovert it has allowed me to express myself and stop caring so much what people think. And I think I’m finally growing up - I enjoy my job and am finally happy for my life to slow down a little.

And I seriously have gained 5 pounds since I started – all that eating out and burgers and trying new restos had to go somewhere. I don’t really mind though (am channelling Joan in Mad Men).

An unexpected pleasure in all this is that I’m really enjoying being part of London’s blogging community *waves*. From the start, I had encouraging words from Luiz from The London Foodie, Krista from Londonelicious, Matt from How To Get A Grip and Jason Cobb from the Onionbagblog. And since, I have developed virtual friendships with other bloggers and readers like Stephanie Sadler from the Little London Observationist, Steve Slack, Alex Moore from Rosa’s and Hayley Cull from Slow London. And I have made real-life friendships too – Caroline from Caroline No, Uyen from Fernandez & Leluu and Ute from Hungry in London. I have really enjoyed meeting these funny, feisty and eloquent women for food and gossip and its great to find people with so much in common.

And my stats (I know bloggers love stats)? Well, in my first month I had 732 hits (mostly my mother) and last month I got just under 10,000 hits which I think is pretty good in my first year. I have 82 email subscribers *waves* but then I ALWAYS seem to go back to 79 so not sure who I’m annoying and why. They are mostly women which reflects what I write, but I’m hoping to have some manly guest posts from men in the next year. I have 343 fans on the Facebook page and796 people follow me on twitter. At times, the fact that ANYONE reads this blog, let alone people I’ve never even MET, scares me a little. And sometimes I feel pressure to post stuff when I don’t feel particularly upbeat. But for me the key is to write the blog as if its still only my mother who reads it, be true to myself and not try to impress anyone. And develop a slightly thicker skin when I lose a follower or a fan.

So, if you’re still reading, thank you very much for doing so and I hope at times this blog has inspired you to try something new, or think about happiness a bit, or appreciate London a little more. I’ve noticed that my friends have become a little influenced by the blog – they’ve been trying new places and reporting back – so I hope the love has spread your way a little bit too.

Thanks for sticking with me this year and I promise the terrible twos will be just as fun.

Sasha @ The Happiness Project London

PS. As a little birthday gift to you, I thought I’d reveal the “after” photo of the awesome cartwheel I did on that lovely beach. As you can see, appearances are deceptive. It was actually quite crap. Enjoy!

Another day, another happiness survey

Three more happiness surveys from Melbourne University,  Princeton University and Relate which say:

• If your partner is neurotic, you are less likely to be happy.
• If you’re altruistic and have family goals you are more likely to be happy.
• If you’re religious you are more likely to be happy.
• If you’re overweight, you are less likely to be happy…
• …Unless you’re a man, in which case you’re unlikely to care.
• Money can’t make you happy…!
• …But you’ll be unhappy if you earn less than £50,000.
• And finally, and this is a good one, if you’re in your late 30s and early 40s, you’re likely to be feeling stressed and depressed and lonely. You don’t see enough of your family and friends, if you have any, you work too hard and worry about redundancy. Something to look forward to then.

So what can we take from all this? Well, according to these surveys we’re all a little bit f*cked. Especially if you’re an aethiest 30 or 40-something who is overweight and overworked and skint and married to someone neurotic. Which sort of applies to most people I know.

But lets be positive for a second. What they also mean is we should all just chill out a bit about work and money and see our family and friends more in a face-to-face or over-the-phone way. Less texting more picnics. Work out a bit. Find religion or a good substitute (possibly grape-based). And avoid dating neurotic people. Unless you’re neurotic yourself, in which case find a partner who is unfeasibly happy or stupidly oblivious. And lets all stop worrying about sodding happiness surveys telling us how miserable we are…:)